Nostalgia!  Awkward Nostalgia!  Did it really happen…were we there?  Were you there?  Did we experience it?  Did you experience it?  Altered Beast eh, that was a game!  OutRun, stop going left all the time…start going right.  Not sure we like all these platformers, too many.  New add-ons!  CDs eh, that’s the ticket.  What’s a girl?  Sonic 3, great!  What’s this strange hair growing around the groin area?  Is it 3D graphics?  Is that what’s growing around the groin area?  It looks all awkward and strange…. what’s a 32X?

THE NEW ERA OF GAMES BEGINS!

Forget about those SEGA and Nintendo games all about COLOUR (COLOR – for the US people) and FUN and VARIETY, the new age is about Sony! And the PlayStation!  And to celebrate over 67 years of PlayStation dominance Sony is releasing a smaller version of their first console which you can plug into your new television.  Does your new telly have a SCART socket?  Think that’s how you connect it, isn’t it?  Or that shit yellow plug, what’s that one?

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THE GAMES!

NOTUKRESISTANCE were emailed by Sony themselves with the exclusive list of games that will be inserted into the console when it’s released next month, December 2018! The press release is as follows:

“20 classic PlayStation games are already loaded into the hard-drive of this small console – a high definition sort of 20GB IDE “HDD” so you’ll be free to add more games if/when you want.”

1. DESTRUCTION DERBY

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Destruction Derby ignited the world of bashing a car left and then right and then left into a wall, and then bashing it right again. A flawed but groundbreaking game in the genre of bashing cars left and right.

2. DESTRUCTION DERBY II

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Took everything that made Destruction Derby the game is was and amplified it TIMES TWO. We’re talking twice the left bashing and twice the right bashing. It also introduced twice the bashing on being hit from behind.

3. DESTRUCTION DERBY III

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An unexpected lull in the series as the car bashes were minimised in favour of a more emotional backstory of the cars parents, and the cars ultimate discovery of self-worth and dealing with abandonment issues.

4. DESTRUCTION DERBY IV

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Stealth gameplay added which enables players to take their car and “sneak up on” other cars before bashing them left.

5. DESTRUCTION DERBY V

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An evolution of the previous game in the series in which cars can now sneak up on and bash players to the right. A cheat code is required to start the game due to a rushed CD publishing incident.

6. DESTRUCTION DERBY VI

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Arguably one of the series best story lines, in which some robot cars turn up and talk about magic. The magic hasn’t really made the world a good place so the robot cars seek to find the good magic to make sure that the world of bashing cars left and right survives in a world of good magic.

7. DESTRUCTION DERBY VII

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The first game in the series to feature fully rendered bashing cars left and also right. Plus the ability to customise number plates and save those number plates for your next playthrough. Additional playthroughs offer no further additions.

8. DAYTONA USA

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Introduced “gameplay” into the series, with innovative features such as FUN and PLAYABILITY. A unique “DRIFT” mechanic can be unlocked after 200 hours of gameplay, a truly unique feature at the time.

9. DESTRUCTION DERBY IX

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Did you have a widescreen television back when IX was released? If you did you’ll remember this release was due to have a widescreen option but Sony decided to change this and it didn’t have a widescreen option in the end. Bit of a disappointment because you bought that widescreen television.

10. DESTRUCTION DERBY X

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Did ship with a widescreen option but you had to finish the game on the highest difficulty setting to unlock the option and you also needed a 128MB memory card to save the unlocked widescreen option. 128MB memory cards were a Japanese only release and not compatible with US/EU/JP consoles.

11. DESTRUCTION DERBY XI

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A break from tradition what with the changing attitudes in society, XI was very much the enlightened car bashing simulator. The bashing cars left and right mechanic was replaced with a more gently empathetic gameplay. Instead of bashing cars, the player was urged to stroke and caress the opposition cars.

12.DESTRUCTION DERBY XIII

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Back to seriously bashing cars left and right and back and front after the fans fury following a previous entry in the series.

13. DESTRUCTION DERBY XIV

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Destruction Derby XIV had a well documented troubled development. Initially envisioned as a cell-shaded car bashing simulator, the publisher demanded that the original car bashing simulator graphics be restored, with extra unpredictable physics.

14. DESTRUCTION DERBY XV

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Essentially a remake of the original Destruction Derby but was significantly improved by the introduction of 25 extra polygons per car. Textures were added to a minimum of 12 polygons to ensure full compliance of positive review specifications from Games Media.

15. DESTRUCTION DERBY XVI

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A historic moment in the lifecycle of the PlayStation console in that at least 50 extra polygons were found at the back of the console just under the casing and next to the power cable. The extra polygons had previously been promised to the SEGA Saturn, which caused an industry outrage for the entire weekend.

16. DESTRUCTION DERBY XVII

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This is a strange addition to the series as it’s not considered canon with the Destruction Derby series. Car bashing left and right appears to happen in an alternate reality in which right car bashing appears to be left car bashing and left car bashing appears to be right car bashing.

17. DESTRUCTION DERBY XVIII

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The first in the series to feature RPG (Role Playing Game) elements in which the player is rewarded with the ability to increase the speed of which cars can be bashed left and right by successfully bashing cars left and right quickly in the first place.

18. DESTRUCTION DERBY XIX

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5% reduction in the damage taken by certain cars after an online bulletin board poll found certain left and right bashing cars were weighted unfavourably which did initially cause an upset in the Professional Car Bashing Left And Right electronic sport community.

19. DESTRUCTION DERBY XX

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An unpopular remake of DESTRUCTION DERBY XI in which the player attempts to romance one of the bashing left and right cars. Often considered an adult only title due to the quite frankly disgusting depiction of the rear end of the cars.

20. DESTRUCTION DERBY XXI

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The final entry in the series. The series was cancelled due to the fact that the general public weren’t really interested in any more games that features bashing cars around without weapons. The Games media at the time reviewed the gamed unfavourably, however Edge magazine gave it an 8 out of 10.

A GENERAL REVIEW

One of the finest collections of Destruction Derby games there has ever been. It’s a shame they didn’t include Destruction Derby XII, arguably the best in the series (licensing issues with Gary Busey). The sad fact is the source code was lost so we’ll never know what happened in the cave. If you vaguely remember something called “Video Games” appearing around 1996 then this is the mini-console for you!

Coming Soon: The SEGA Saturn Mini with the lost Destruction Derby XXII.

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EMERGENCY BROADCAST: There’s been another Update about the 90’s Arcade Racer on Kickstarter HERE.  6 unique race tracks confirmed!  Different times of day confirmed!  Massively uncomfortable twitching erection confirmed!  Here’s the first track, Island Short.

Amazing amounts of colourful hues going on in this image, too many to cope with all in one go.  Balloons to the left, colourful billboards to the right and multi-coloured flags all across the middle.

TWO TUNNEL ROUTES!  Plus a cassette over one of the tunnel entrances!  This is all too much, going to have a lie down in the dark for a while after all this.  The nurse said not to use too many exclamation marks in such a small confined space.

Tomorrow: Island Long

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Recoil in HORROR and SHOCK as you look at her NAKED FOREARM.  Stare wide-eyed in FURY and DISGUST at that bit ABOVE THE BOOBS AND BELOW THE NECK.

TOUCH YOURSELF against your OWN WILL at her OPEN MOUTHED FACE.  When will it ever end?  Come back soon for righteous coverage of the inevitable DEGRADING FILTH at Gamescom.

** SOME OTHER THINGS **

Things that have been found or emailed in that are going on out there in the real world.


ACTUAL GAME NEWS: PIKMIN 3 ON WII U

Launches today!  If you do anything else of note other than getting out of bed then that thing should be buying Pikmin 3.  If you don’t have a Wii U then that’s your own fault.  Maybe it’s Nintendo’s fault a little bit as well.

ACTUAL GAME NEWS: KOKUGA ON 3DS

Slightly less mental than previous games by the creator of Radiant Silvergun but still massively brilliant and available now on the Nintendo eShop for about £13.

Maybe we’ll do a review at some point.

MEN IN GAME SHOP SELL SEGA SATURN GAMES

Men showcasing readily available SEGA Saturn games, which means Saturn hardware production should never have ceased.  Saturn stuff starts about 4 minutes in if you want to skip the GameCube bit.

One of them keeps on getting corrected by the other one but overall a good effort and does still help overall.

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Really getting through the backlog now.  This link comes from one of the many Men Called James who occasionally send SEGA things through the post.  Full specifications including price and the images in the original order HERE.

There seems to be a bit of pink in her left hand,  wonder if it’s a bit of knicker.  It really should be a bit of knicker.  That’s definitely a bit of knicker, pink knicker as well.

“Now, take your vest off and we can play my Mega Drive.  You know I can’t play Thunder Force 3 when you have your vest on.  Fold it neatly as well for tomorrow days, I’m not putting it through the wash again as the lettering will start to peel.”

** SPECIAL EDITION EXTRA UPDATE FOR THE PINK BIT ***

Here’s that aforementioned pink bit enlarged if you’d like to investigate further.

Forgot to mention the placement of the little finger, extra points awarded.

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From across the pond far away comes news of a covert SEGA marketing campaign for Dreamcast2.  They’re so clever those marketing people at SEGA and not at all thick and stupid!  You don’t fool us, a hardware press conference is imminent plus launch line-up.

“Hello again, NUKR. I have more swirls from the States.”

“This was from a mini golf course in the New Roc City complex in New Rochelle, NY. I apologize for the picture quality, but it was one of those ‘glow-in-the-dark’ courses, and my phone has a really shitty camera.  These aren’t swirls, but I was at a go-kart track later on, and I saw a few arcade units they left nearby to distract the kids for long enough to keep them from trying to jump over the barrier. Needless to say, they were pretty worn looking.”

“This is Outrunners. The lights behind Player 2’s ‘Checkpoint’ sign have gone out. I didn’t get a chance to play it to see if the controls worked.”

“And this is Cruis’n USA. This one was kind of neat because I had never seen the deluxe version in person before.”

“Unfortunately, the screen was really messed up. It was doing that weird thing that happens when the contrast on a CRT screen is way too high, and the colours stretch across it and make it difficult to see what’s happening. I didn’t get to play this one either, but I did see a father and daughter play it later on, and it seemed to work fine for them.  Keep fighting the good fight. Cheers.

– CaptFlushing (Zachary)”

You’d take blurry pictures too if you were also masturbating.

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ON THE SPOT REAL LIFE UPDATE: A Sonic The Hedgehog bag in a shop in London around the Covent Garden area.  The shop was rather nice, it had nice things in it.  Sweets, bags and other assorted nice objects.

The people inside were nice and the shop assistants were nice, apart from the girl who stood just inside the door for ages and blocked the route inside.  You know who you are, you cunt.

Forms part of the “An Update A Month” series, hopefully there’ll be another Update next month.  Probably featuring clothing or a game.  Let’s have a game next month, that’ll be nice for everyone.

Unless it’s August next month, that’s holiday month.

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We have no idea what game this actually is because it doesn’t appear to include a boost button or drift control.  However, kudos to you SEGA Japan\SEGA Subsidiary for not buckling under overwhelming pressure to cover up the legs of lovely girls.

There’s even a website HERE which appears to be dedicated to “Kingdom Conquest Girls.”  Look, one of them is holding her hand up to her face in that giggly way middle-aged men like.  One of them is even allowed to talk into the microphone.

“Now drink up please, the van is waiting outside.”

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If it’s good enough for SEGA with that new Sonic game it’s probably one thousand times good enough for us.  It’s as if all the cats and dogs in the world all lived together in amongst mountains of faeces but yet are still polite to each other.

We’ve already got this on the Xbox 360 but considering that console got thrown* into the loft after the recent fuckings-about by Microsoft, it’s best we just play it on the Wii U.

*put away nicely in its box for when we might want to play Max Anarchy again.

Still can’t quite get past not having a console under the telly, this one looks mental enough so we’ll make do.

Coming Soon: More theme changes other than the new blue.

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This forms part of the new “Anything About OutRun” series of Updates which contain new things about OutRun. Things like men building little Lego OutRun arcade machines.

Not very good is he? Probably holding the camera hampers playing ability quite a bit so we’ll let him off.

Overall a heartfelt 9/10. Waiting for the inevitable Meccano OutRun2 machine.

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More screenshots!  More Blue Sky!  More Arcade cars!  More reasons to keep going!  It’s an update from The 90’s Arcade Racer!  GO HERE NOW OR POSSIBLY A BIT LATER AFTER SPENDING 10 SECONDS SCROLLING THROUGH THIS UPDATE!

Airplanes!  Or Aeroplanes depending on what you call them!

Balloons!  Beach Umbrellas!  U-Turn Signs!  U-Turn signs mean there is shortly some drifting that needs doing.

Another Airplane!*

*Aeroplane!

Long number plates!

Palm Trees!  Like the trees in a Sonic game!

They’re not in-game screenshots but that doesn’t matter, not in the slightest.

In Conclusion: 1,000,000/10

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