A FEMALE EMPLOYED BY SEGA sent a lot of words about the PSVita in via email.  Text interspersed with stock photography as no images were attached.  The email sender Ryoko Demoncaller could be any of of these non-ethnically diverse Women so choose wisely if it’s your special time of the day.

“Good day sir, you don’t know me and I hope to god to keep it that way but the point of this correspondence is this.  My boyfriend brought a PSVita (yes he is still my boyfriend because I’m far too lazy to dump him, I’d only just have to get off my arse and find a new one and who can be bothered with that?).”

“So I thought as I am one of the 3 loyal readers that you have I would send you a review of the thing (and I used to be a games tester at Sega, technically I still am employed by them but they seem to have forgotten that I exist).  So here is the review.”

“The PSVita was bought with a memory card and two games, Uncharted and Shinobido.  Upon unwrapping the memory card the first thing that strikes you is how shockingly wasteful the packaging is, the card itself could easily be lost up the nose of the average Sony product user never to be seen again, yet the packaging could feasibly double up as a surf board or boogy board or what ever the hip kids do with boards.”

“The device it self is far too large for this day and age, it’s about the size of a Game Gear with a badly designed button layout, ill thought out touch pad on the back and is cursed with a terrible set of speakers that even the PSP can point and laugh at, as this is the modern age the instruction book is online, my boyfriend endured many unsuccessful attempts at downloading it, first on the Vita, then the PC, then PS3 and finally a last ditch attempt on the phone before giving up,”

“it took him some time to figure out how to sync it to his PS3 and join up the accounts but I believe he figured it out eventually, the device came with AR cards that where totally useless as you need to go online to download the program that uses them, The Vita comes as standard with no memory card, no carry case, no strap, no instruction book, all you get is the device itself and a cardboard box to spend the cold nights in after you just wasted all your hard earned cash.”

“Now to the games, the games are little memory sticks packed into a plastic case that represents a willful waste of the planets precious resources.  Shinobido is a step back in time, I almost welled up with nostalgic tears upon seeing the dodgey camera angle, clashing textures and poor collision detection in some areas, the highlight of the title was the Japanese house that from the sounds of things appeared to be populated by hundreds of invisible song birds all screeching in unison, on the plus side it has an instruction book with a good oder.”

“I moved on to Uncharted which has no instruction book and after jabbing at the screen a bit and getting flashbacks of Dragons Lair, I then moved off to get a cup of tea before finding something better to do.  All in all I’d give Sony a half arsed score of 4/10, it’s clearly an improvement in half arsedness on the PSPGo but is still the work of a man trying too hard to look like he doesn’t care.”

Picked number 3, that finger knows exactly where it’s going and what it needs to do when it gets there.

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8 Responses to “A PSVITA CONSOLE REVIEW BY A FEMALE READER ACCOMPANIED BY ROYALTY FREE STOCK PHOTOGRAPHY”

  1. Wouldn’t
    Wouldn’t
    Wouldn’t
    Would
    Would
    Wouldn’t

    • Salut à vous deux,C’est magnifique d’être comme ça collé à votre roue.Même que quand rien ne paraît sur le site,on se pose des questions et ça nous manque.Puis des nouvelles reparaissent et l’on co8nBend&#m230;ropne continuation,bisous à vous deux.Françoise et Charles

  2. Clearly none of those woman have ever worked for Sega, they all still have the glimmer of hope and expectation in their eyes.

  3. I wonder what Idiot would have to say about the woman in the first pic using her laptop on a soft office chair like that, blocking the vents.

    And what about the second one? ON THE BED!? She’s redeemed somewhat by a hastily-shopped Dell logo which looks like the number three.

    Good job sneaking that fourth, ‘conventional enjoyment material’ pic in there to cover all the bases, Captain. That can only be the result of bona fide market research on your part.

    • Oh my gosh, the face! So expressive. The 80;what&#22172s inside” photo where she’s poking the package is hilarious! THE EYEBROWS! EEEE! CUTE!A fun day, a happy kid, a lovely gift. Looks like a winner.

  4. Firstly Hi, secondly that first pic Hmmm shes using a object thats used to sit on to put her laptop on only to then sit on an ever lower stool whilst looking into the camera like a deaf mute who has only just realised the photogorapher has been frantically trying to get her to “turn towards him” for the past minute and a half with no success, ruined my wank if i’m honest.

  5. Good day sir, you don’t know me and I hope to god to keep it that way but the point of this correspondence is this. My boyfrie-

    Fuck you!

    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RtcdWY_Cc-8

  6. If Ryoko Demoncaller, speaks like she actually types, using run-on sentences, which go on for a whole paragraph, like this one does, then no wonder her boyfriend, is making bullshit impulse purchases, probably in a desperate attempt to distract himself.

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