Can’t wait to review NiGHTS Into Dreams HD from XBLA!  We’ll start with the controls, it’s going to be so much fun! :)

Controls:  You can move UP.  You can move DOWN.  You can move LEFT.  You can move RIGHT.  You can move UP-RIGHT.  You can move UP-LEFT.  You can move DOWN-LEFT.  You can move DOWN-RIGHT…

This review is finished :(

1/10

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Like Android tablets and phones and also on iPhones and iPads, those sorts of devices.  It costs about 2 or 3 quid depending on which device you use and it’s out right now.  It’s an Ubisoft release though, you might have an embargo on buying any of their stuff so you’ve been warned.

Did you ever play Rayman Origins?  If not then you really should do.  It’s worth its weight in gold, even when you get really frustrated after getting to that mental Land Of The Livid Dead area and die for the 428th time.

Rayman Jungle Run is only one of those automatic-running-then-press-something-to-jump games but it’s so fantastic and colourful and smiley.  Most of Rayman Origins was manually running right and pressing jump at the right time so this isn’t much different.  For only 3 quid!

Rayman Legends is being released on the Wii U soon, the best new console ever.  Must mention at some point that the Wii U is going to be amazing.  Yes, amazing.  And crazy as well, a screen on a control pad!  What will those boffins at Nintendo think of next eh!?

It was tricky trying to take snapshots of all the crazy action whilst playing.  See those bits of thorny tentacle things?  Well there’s loads of them swishing about all over the place and you need to be really quick and/or skillful to get past them without losing a heart or your life.

In Conclusion: 10/10

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A FEMALE EMPLOYED BY SEGA sent a lot of words about the PSVita in via email.  Text interspersed with stock photography as no images were attached.  The email sender Ryoko Demoncaller could be any of of these non-ethnically diverse Women so choose wisely if it’s your special time of the day.

“Good day sir, you don’t know me and I hope to god to keep it that way but the point of this correspondence is this.  My boyfriend brought a PSVita (yes he is still my boyfriend because I’m far too lazy to dump him, I’d only just have to get off my arse and find a new one and who can be bothered with that?).”

“So I thought as I am one of the 3 loyal readers that you have I would send you a review of the thing (and I used to be a games tester at Sega, technically I still am employed by them but they seem to have forgotten that I exist).  So here is the review.”

“The PSVita was bought with a memory card and two games, Uncharted and Shinobido.  Upon unwrapping the memory card the first thing that strikes you is how shockingly wasteful the packaging is, the card itself could easily be lost up the nose of the average Sony product user never to be seen again, yet the packaging could feasibly double up as a surf board or boogy board or what ever the hip kids do with boards.”

“The device it self is far too large for this day and age, it’s about the size of a Game Gear with a badly designed button layout, ill thought out touch pad on the back and is cursed with a terrible set of speakers that even the PSP can point and laugh at, as this is the modern age the instruction book is online, my boyfriend endured many unsuccessful attempts at downloading it, first on the Vita, then the PC, then PS3 and finally a last ditch attempt on the phone before giving up,”

“it took him some time to figure out how to sync it to his PS3 and join up the accounts but I believe he figured it out eventually, the device came with AR cards that where totally useless as you need to go online to download the program that uses them, The Vita comes as standard with no memory card, no carry case, no strap, no instruction book, all you get is the device itself and a cardboard box to spend the cold nights in after you just wasted all your hard earned cash.”

“Now to the games, the games are little memory sticks packed into a plastic case that represents a willful waste of the planets precious resources.  Shinobido is a step back in time, I almost welled up with nostalgic tears upon seeing the dodgey camera angle, clashing textures and poor collision detection in some areas, the highlight of the title was the Japanese house that from the sounds of things appeared to be populated by hundreds of invisible song birds all screeching in unison, on the plus side it has an instruction book with a good oder.”

“I moved on to Uncharted which has no instruction book and after jabbing at the screen a bit and getting flashbacks of Dragons Lair, I then moved off to get a cup of tea before finding something better to do.  All in all I’d give Sony a half arsed score of 4/10, it’s clearly an improvement in half arsedness on the PSPGo but is still the work of a man trying too hard to look like he doesn’t care.”

Picked number 3, that finger knows exactly where it’s going and what it needs to do when it gets there.

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A free copy on Xbox 360 with “PROMOTIONAL COPY NOT FOR RESALE” and a compliments slip with SEGA printed on it will do.  We might even play the multi-player online bit and say that’s really good as well.  Here’s some screenshots of Binary Domain that we haven’t yet had the pleasure of capturing.

It’s probably going to be very fun and exciting rescuing the President’s daughter!  Do you get to play as that robot on the right?  It’s nice and shiny and hopefully says robot-type things.  Are there guns and grenades and lasers as well?  Lasers are great!

Anyway we’ve definitely already played the game several times through to completion as the Man and also as the unlockable Female Sex Robot and it’s really, really great.  Smacking robots around the face and saying “MOTHERFUCKER! I FUCKED THIS CUNT ROBOT IN THE FACE!” a lot are the best bits.

A very sincere 8 out of 10.

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It’s not really BAD but it’s not really GOOD either, Sonic Generations seems to exist somewhere in between.  A situation everyone born and living in Britain is incredibly used to, even foreigners living here get used to the “something in between good and bad” situation within their first 3 months.

“Good effort” can also be attributed to a person with learning difficulties not managing to smear faeces down the front of their clothes every time they go to the toilet.

Of course anyone who actually likes a certain “old” weightiness to Sonic’s inertia will hate it to within an inch of its fucking life.  This Update is a bit like Sonic Generations, not that bad but not very good either plus the content is inconsistent.

Anyway, SEGA built a Sonic playground somewhere so it’s off to find the pictures on Flickr and attempt to think of something vaguely cretinous to say.

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Radiant Silvergun is the biggest waste of time on this planet, it simply does not justify the hype and praise lavished upon it by all the idiots on The Internet.  Incredibly dated gameplay mechanics with sub-par visuals compounded by an increasingly annoying soundtrack and a confusing weapons system.  There’s simply nothing about this game that can be recommended, play Halo 1 on the Xbox instead of this nonsense.

Only joking, IT’S FUCKING AMAZING and Halo is actually the shit one!  It’s so amazing that you need to play it a bit first, say an hour, then go away for a while and maybe have a cup of tea and some biscuits to mull things over.

It’ll then become apparent that it truly is one of the greatest shooting-at-evil-spaceships games ever.  It’s even better than all the R-Type and Gradius games put together but not quite as good as Thunderforce IV.  Saying anything is better than Thunderforce IV is liable to end up with your head getting kicked in, from big burly men probably.

Your spaceship has a sword, yes A SWORD ON A SPACESHIP.  You can use it to “kill” pink bullets and charge up for a super sword attack.  In fact each weapon has a specific use but don’t bother trying to figure them all out because you’ll only just forget.  If you think it’s hard and you don’t get very far without having to set the game to Very Easy then just play it again and again and again and again and again and again and you’ll get better at it.

Now for the time being until we get really, really good at Radiant Silvergun again these are screenshots taken from a “level grinding” Normal Story mode session.  The weapons have been heavily upgraded by saving each Story mode play through.  But that’s the beauty of Radiant Silvergun, it’s embarrassing to need to get anywhere by doing this so it makes you try harder.  Each time you play Story mode you’ll go back and play Arcade and get that bit further.  At some point in the not-too-distance future we’ll be amazing at it and will be condescending to anyone who isn’t.

If you have a video games website or blog and want to review this game to give it a 10 or 100% or whatever scoring system you use then feel free to download and use these screenshots.  They’re being released under the Creative Commons licence thing.  In all honesty the screenshots are not “High Definition” quality due to owning a rather cheap recording device, but they’re free so stop moaning.

If, however, you use these screenshots and you give the game a bad review then Mummy will be round your house to fuck shit up.  Or sleep with you, whichever is worse.

You really had to be there when this was released on the SEGA Saturn all those years ago because it looked amazing, this was future shit in 1998.  You probably were there though and were far cleverer in actually keeping hold of your import copy rather than foolishly trading it in for a Neo Geo Pocket Colour at Computer Exchange.

This is one of those games that benefits from having loads of screenshots done because it’s even better in action.  Think of all those games that look good in screenshots then they’re all juddery or slow when actually moving.  This does not happen here, the screenshots are simply a prelude to the magnificence that’s to come when you actually play it.

There should be some facts in here as well as you like facts, it’s downloadable on XBox 360 and costs 1200 points.  You might as well buy 2000 points and get something else as well, like OutRun Online Arcade or SEGA Rally Online Arcade which are 800 points each.  BUY IT NOW HERE.

Look at the screenshot above, everything’s gone all wireframe and computery!  This really is the Future.  Although not sure why the homing laser weapon was being used here, the sideways-but-a-bit-diagonal would have been better under the circumstances.

Summary And A Score For Score-Type People: It’s a corker of a game and if you’ve got an arcade stick it’s even better because you can pretend you’re in an actual Arcade.  An Arcade where your Mum gets you tea and a Twix every half an hour!

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Saw this the other day while looking for fun Java games for my new mobile:

I thought – “Hooray, Crazy Taxi!” Then I realised it was by Gameloft, who are at best a serial offender and darker thoughts clouded my brain.

I had a look at the screenshots, handily ripped from their site via my mobile and straight to your eyeballs:

Doesn’t look a lot like Crazy Taxi, really, does it?

Nope. You can stick all the score meters you like on the screen, it’s just not Crazy Taxi. And this is where the story should have ended. Only in a fit of masochistic self-harm I actually bought the fucking game, didn’t I?

This is what it REALLY looks like. Note the horrible, horrible virtual D-pad. I paid £3 for this?

Inevitably, I have crashed.

So, a mini-review:

Things look good when you first start up the game and the SEGA logo pops up. Unfortunately it’s all downhill from there. There are a couple of different game choices, but unfortunately it lacks the ‘turn this game into another, better one’ option, and all the others are pretty much the same with different time limits.

It looks and controls a lot like Micro Machines. That is, if Micro Machines were designed by an idiot who thinks that all the controls should be on the D-pad. It’s horribly uncomfortable and somewhat unreliable. The ‘up’ button alternates between 3 speeds, while the ‘down’ button slams the brakes on like you’re driving a big rig. The ‘left’ and ‘right’ buttons turn your car, sometimes too little, sometimes too much but rarely the amount you need to turn. Framerate’s fine, but the graphics are washed-out, flat and everyone else in this nightmarish alternate universe drives a pink VW Beetle, oddly. There’s also a jump button that has NO FUNCTION owing to the city being completely flat.

You can go round picking up passengers and dropping them off, but the game world is small and a bit dull. As a result it commits the biggest sin of all – making Crazy Taxi boring.

The sound is very poor, even by Java game standards. The main theme sounds like the first 2 bars of Sussudio being played over and over again on a 3-second loop… until the first time you hit something or pick up a passenger. Then the music stops and never starts again.

So – pretty bloody awful, if you hadn’t already guessed that from the review. At least it’s a bit more technically competent than Sonic Unleashed, but Gameloft have a long way to go. As for SEGA endorsing this crap – what next? Alex Kidd in the next fucking Angry Birds update? A crappy, doodled Sonic the Hedgehog game for the iPhone?

…shit.

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