Schauen Sie, wie viel leistungsfähigen und organisierten Spaß jeder an Gamescom hat bei SEGA in Deutschland!

Wir würden Bier dort trinken mögen und aufpassende blonde deutsche Frauen von weitem, würde es Spaß sein!


Ein Mann, Sergey vom Flickr hat ein Nikon D40X, es gibt viele großen Fotographien!

Wir möchten dieses Mädchen Kleid und Spunk auf ihrem Bauch öffnen!

Wir möchten, dass das mittlere Mädchen uns nach unten halten und große Gegenstände in uns drückt.

Dieses Mädchen hat große Hüften, folglich kann sie zu Hause bleiben und Lose Kinder haben.

Sergey erhält einen NOTUKRESISTANCE Goldstern, danke Sergey!

Wenn Sie gestört werden können

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New SEGA hardware on the radar always gets the office in a tizzy, especially if it’s Third Party because you never know what you’re going to get.  Reader and Video Game De-constructor Phorenzik sent in this link about a new portable SEGA Dreamcast console.

“Good day!  You probably already know, but……….Found this on CVG”.

It certainly looks like one of those projects that Men with lots of time on their hands get to do.  It’s got all the buttons and the logo too but carrying all those GDRs around will be a nightmare.  The upmarket world of Solid State has ruined us.

“Here’s a link to the 1997-esque Japanese site.  It looks like a spastic has made it.  Good luck coming up with something funny to write about with this one”.

Don’t need to as the word “spastic” has already been mentioned and that makes any Update 31% more amusing.  It also looks like it’s been made by quite the insightful one due to the button labelled “Your stupid blog”.  That button didn’t seem to bring us back here when clicked so they’ll need to fix that.

Tomorrow: Further critiquing the website building skills of the disadvantaged.

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SEGA’s Tokyo Joypolis centre in Japan are playing host to a Special Sonic 20th Anniversary Exhibition event.  The Official website is written in funny text and Google can’t translate as the funny text is embedded in the images.

This calls for some Official NotUKR Translation, after all we can’t very well have a Sonic 20th Anniversary event and not report on what FUN everyone in Japan will be having!

The Event runs from 11th of June to 10th of July and will celebrate Sonic’s birthday on 23rd of June.  Something with previous Sonic games not including Sonic 2, Sonic stickers and Sonic Generations will be happening on the 5th Floor.  Look, there’s Saturn Sonic 3D with music by Richard Jacques!*

The reason Old Sonic is trapped inside a CRT PC Monitor is quite frankly beyond us but we think New Sonic is relishing in the fact, look at that nasty smile.

*Unconfirmed at this stage whether Richard will be there in person to perform live.

There will be bags of Sonic swag for everyone turning up and tubs of something exotic called “Dippin’ Dots”, more info on those HERE.  We also scanned that Barcode so more on that later!

This is visitor information regarding toilet facilities, disabled access and used Schoolgirl panties vending machines.  It’s possible the “SEGA Wee Game” will be involved on the 3rd Floor.

There’s almost TOO MUCH FUN so we need to sit down for a bit before carrying on.  Let’s have a look at the map while we rest.

It’s a Shop! And it’s full of SEGA and Sonic goodies!  Head to the 3rd Floor and look for “JP Gear”.  If you do get lost then just follow the steady stream of laughing, happy Children.

Facilities also include an in-house Joypolis Medical Centre where you can tell Dr Sonic about that nasty rash on your penis end.  It doesn’t have a floor marked so you’ll need to ask, use the international sign language for “Penis End Itch”.

Treatment may involve placing said angry penis in more Dippin’ Dots.

Head to the 5th Floor for one of those SEGA Photo booths, don’t get too carried away and try and manoeuvre yourself so it looks like Sonic is tickling your testicles with his spines.

The cheapest flight to Tokyo we could find was nearly 900 pounds, there’s no way of generating that kind of money these days and it would probably be a flight with livestock anyway.


We scanned the Barcode with the office HTC Desire and downloaded a program from someone called Hatena Inc, it was free.  We pressed the Top button and were asked to register all our personal details.  It didn’t look very SEGA so didn’t bother.

Registering your personal details on the Internet these days is practically inviting all the psychopaths round your house for tea and cake.

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What were SEGA’s top brass up to on Sunday 22nd May?  They were politely standing with their arms by their sides nodding approvingly at the 15 Miss Magazine 2011 Finalists in SEGAs Joypolis centre in Toyko, Japan.

From what we can tell the Miss Magazine contest seems to be based around the selling of the “winners” Mizuagi to the highest paying Japanese business executive.  Hope whoever wins buys some new sheets for the occasion.

To objectify these young women even further, here’s our own Top 3 Miss Magazine 2011 contestants with accompanying personal information.  Links to all the contestants and images at the end of this Update.  Left the numbers on the images for ease of use, you don’t want to be wasting time clicking on the same image.

Shall not be using any Japanese Honorific Suffixes here as it’s a little confusing, you can discuss whether “chan” or “san” is appropriate for teenage girls in the comments section.


19 and from Kanagawa Prefecture.  Likes “raw meat” and going to the “arcade”.

Has “small hands” and prefers men she can call “uncle”.


19 from Tokyo.  Doesn’t think animals should be used as metaphors.

That’s a lovely smile, very natural.  Probably being bartered over right now by Japanese men no younger than 50.


19 from Toyko.  Definitely 2 cartoon character penises she’s stroking the ends of there.

Boxing gloves feature heavily.  Likes “optimists” so bad luck you lot.

Click HERE to browse the 15 Miss Magazine 2011 Finalists in your lunch hour, we asked your boss and they said it was OK.  The Joypolis event images are HERE.

We’ll be bringing you all the action from the final when we can work out what date it is using Google Translate.

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Disclaimer: We are not responsible for the welfare of the general public in times of crisis. If a SEGA update from an outside source is deemed tardy we will not be held responsible for any consequences, unless they’re positive.

Public Information Message from SEGA of Japan posted on November 2010 suddenly noticed and emailed in by DazzR .  It’s possible you’re reading this from a rescue shelter wrapped up in a brown blanket if the message didn’t reach you in time.

“This time, for amusement prizes sold in July 2010 from us “Suzy’s Zoo Plush Horse swaying high quality” have always been, in some products after installing the battery switch is OFF emit smoke from a defective product in the state of been identified.”

Target customers will patronize the products, I will apologize for the inconvenience and worry about hanging tough. In the future, strict quality control and intend our work to prevent a recurrence.

“Spotted this while on the Sega of Japan website using Google Translate. The indignity of it, having your label photographed and shown to the public.”

If Watchdog get a hold of this SEGA then you’re done for, no matter what PR lingo about “hanging tough” you spout.  They basically blow up when batteries are inserted, you can’t spin your way out of that.

Sending ours back to the importer we paid $75 for, they’ll sort it out for us. Assume DazzR did the same thing.

Original here.


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