EMERGENCY BROADCAST: There’s been another Update about the 90’s Arcade Racer on Kickstarter HERE.  6 unique race tracks confirmed!  Different times of day confirmed!  Massively uncomfortable twitching erection confirmed!  Here’s the first track, Island Short.

Amazing amounts of colourful hues going on in this image, too many to cope with all in one go.  Balloons to the left, colourful billboards to the right and multi-coloured flags all across the middle.

TWO TUNNEL ROUTES!  Plus a cassette over one of the tunnel entrances!  This is all too much, going to have a lie down in the dark for a while after all this.  The nurse said not to use too many exclamation marks in such a small confined space.

Tomorrow: Island Long

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More screenshots!  More Blue Sky!  More Arcade cars!  More reasons to keep going!  It’s an update from The 90’s Arcade Racer!  GO HERE NOW OR POSSIBLY A BIT LATER AFTER SPENDING 10 SECONDS SCROLLING THROUGH THIS UPDATE!

Airplanes!  Or Aeroplanes depending on what you call them!

Balloons!  Beach Umbrellas!  U-Turn Signs!  U-Turn signs mean there is shortly some drifting that needs doing.

Another Airplane!*

*Aeroplane!

Long number plates!

Palm Trees!  Like the trees in a Sonic game!

They’re not in-game screenshots but that doesn’t matter, not in the slightest.

In Conclusion: 1,000,000/10

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In a SEGA Arcade in Osaka earning a bit of money.  Sing for us Mr Daytona USA and SEGA Rally man, PERFORM SEGA SONGS FOR YOUR DINNER.  Sing mostly in tune and you might even get enough for pudding too.

SEGA music composer Takenobu Mitsuyoshi “spotted in the wild!  Actually, in a SEGA Arcade in Osaka” by NOTUKR Japan correspondent James.

All the arcades need wiping down at the end of the night as well, plus all the ashtrays need emptying and chewing gum scraped off the floor.  A music tour isn’t all about sex with underage girls/boys and piles of drugs.

As long as we know he’s safe and happily singing in SEGA arcades then we’re all good.  Really lucky we’re not looking at some grim police photos from a bedsit suicide instead.

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The 90’s Arcade Racer Kickstarter link appears 3 times in this Update so there’s no excuse for not clicking it.  Here’s a tip, the second chance to click the link appears under the video.  This is why this website exists.  This is why every day a strict regime of eating, pooing and weeing is undertaken to make sure the whole “existing” process carries on.  For this:

Someone clever on Kickstarter who can do graphics and physics stuff with computers is making a “racing game inspired by the great arcade racers of the 90’s.”  So that means Daytona USA, SCUD Race and Virtua Racing.  IT’S HERE, CLICK HERE!  It’s currently being made for PC, MAC, Linux and maybe that OUYA Android thing if it sells.

You’d have to be mental to not fund this, or not a fan of SEGA arcade racing games from the 90’s.  Maybe the lovely people at SEGA Amusements can do some form of “shout out” for it as well?

Ooo!  Those skies look lovely and blue with a hint of dreamy, wispy white clouds.  Look at those palm trees, they look lovely too!  And that rock on the right, don’t forget about the rocks.  Even they look lovely.  Just spotted those balloons as well.  Balloons!  Lovely!

We’d start with Arcade mode and give that a good going over for a while, then get into Championship mode.  Then while we’re doing Championship we’d go back to Arcade to get better lap times.  This then means we can feed our revised knowledge of the courses back into Championship mode.

In Conclusion: CLICK HERE AND GET YOUR WALLETS OUT OR WHEREVER YOU KEEP YOUR FADED BANK CARD AND PLEDGE MONEY.

Coming Soon: An Update on funding progress.

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Upon Internet investigation it turns out this Nights Into Dreams LCD game was released in 1997 and has been extensively reviewed by every existing SEGA blog.  Yesterday Lara Croft panties, today this.  Tuesday is obviously going to be a really shit day.

The eBay auction ended a while ago, sorry about that.  Also noted is the classic camera flash error when taking photographs of things in plastic so 2/10 overall.

Sent in by GigerPunk, who might still visit every so often.

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Like Android tablets and phones and also on iPhones and iPads, those sorts of devices.  It costs about 2 or 3 quid depending on which device you use and it’s out right now.  It’s an Ubisoft release though, you might have an embargo on buying any of their stuff so you’ve been warned.

Did you ever play Rayman Origins?  If not then you really should do.  It’s worth its weight in gold, even when you get really frustrated after getting to that mental Land Of The Livid Dead area and die for the 428th time.

Rayman Jungle Run is only one of those automatic-running-then-press-something-to-jump games but it’s so fantastic and colourful and smiley.  Most of Rayman Origins was manually running right and pressing jump at the right time so this isn’t much different.  For only 3 quid!

Rayman Legends is being released on the Wii U soon, the best new console ever.  Must mention at some point that the Wii U is going to be amazing.  Yes, amazing.  And crazy as well, a screen on a control pad!  What will those boffins at Nintendo think of next eh!?

It was tricky trying to take snapshots of all the crazy action whilst playing.  See those bits of thorny tentacle things?  Well there’s loads of them swishing about all over the place and you need to be really quick and/or skillful to get past them without losing a heart or your life.

In Conclusion: 10/10

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Before we start, get the game for a tenner on Xbox 360 HERE or on the PS3 over THERE.

Like a fine red wine that’s been left to breathe to fully realise its potential, so Virtua Fighter 5 Final Showdown must be played to ABSOLUTE FUCKING DEATH before it can be reviewed properly.  Simply playing Arcade mode twice and a handful of online matches then writing “it’s Virtua Fighter as you’ve come to expect” will not be tolerated.

If you’re a respected Video Games Reviewer Person perhaps you need to get your review “out the door” quickly.  Then play it continuously for 48 hours, the world will wait for you.  Back in the old days we used to wait ages for a review.

This is a preview of a review so only 22 online ranked matches have been logged so far, which is clearly not enough.  Fuck all that though as it’s TIME TO SHOW WHOEVER THAT OPPONENT IS WHAT FOR!

Oh.

Hmmm…

….er….

The buttons weren’t configured properly, yes that’s it.  The Guard button was in the wrong place, it should have been over here rather than over there.

Coming Soon:  The Review, after having been beaten in 173 consecutive online ranked matches.

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IGN say, HERE.  Amazing! Fantastic!! Incredible!!! Four more exclamation marks!!!!  We’ll soon be able to hear <RANDOMLY SELECTED SEGA MUSIC 01> remixed in the style of <RECENT POPULAR CONTEMPORARY MUSIC TYPE 01>!  It’ll be great to dance to a <RECENT POPULAR CONTEMPORARY MUSIC TYPE 02> version of <RANDOMLY SELECTED SEGA MUSIC>.

It will be, just you wait.

Coming Soon:  Every image available on the Internet and also video “stills” taken at a 1 second interval.

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A Man has left SEGA Amusements after 33 years of selfless toil.  He was there during the heady days of SEGA Arcade Dominance.  He was there during the fall from grace.  He was then there to make sure UFO Catcher machines in defunct seaside towns were refilled in a timely manner.  If ever a Man needs his life story documenting it would be this Man right here.

Full devastating and tear-inducing story HERE.

UK:RESISTANCE favourite “Wonky Faced Sonic” was there to finger his anus one last precious time before waving goodbye.  Farewell Gamini, you were a Man among Men and also weird-faced things.

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In the aftermath of the “corporate downsizing” who’d have thought SEGA would be back on top so quickly?  Not back on top in terms of game sales or even making good games but instead using Japanese Woman In Bikini Tops to sell things!  This is a promotional video for Super Monkey Ball on the PSVita, available in lovely 1080p HD HERE.

BEGIN THE SCREENSHOT MINI EXTRAVAGANZA IMMEDIATELY.

This is a “Point of View” shot, you can decide what to do from here.  First suggestion would be to knock whatever is in her hands out of the way and replace with something else.  Possibly your testicles, if you like that sort of thing.

Is that top button undone?  It’s undone, it must be undone.  It’s saying “I’m undone, come and see for yourself.”

You could be there right now, probably just kneeling down in front of her waiting for…

…her legs to open, SHE’S GOT HER FILTHY SEGA-ENDORSED LEGS WIDE OPEN!

If any Readers out there want to submit any Photoshop Efforts then this is probably a good one to start with.

There are no monkeys present, or even a banana.  The situation would probably have spiraled out of control with the introduction of either of those elements.

A belly, A SEGA-ENDORSED BELLY TO ENTHUSIASTICALLY SPUNK OVER!  Plus those shorts would feel very nice and soft, very soft indeed.

Now that’s enthusiasm you can’t fake, that’s genuine Enthusiastic SEGA Woman In A Bikini Top action.  Can spot that a mile way.

But unfortunately it all goes a bit wrong here what with this VILE DEPRAVED SEX PENETRATION POSITION.  There is simply no need for that, no need at all.

Even SEGA know that to have even a remote chance of selling 50,000 units they need to resort to mild pornography.

** AND NOW FOR THE ACTUAL VIDEO IF YOU DIDN’T CLICK THE LINK **

The screams are a bit unsettling, to be honest.

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