Nostalgia!  Awkward Nostalgia!  Did it really happen…were we there?  Were you there?  Did we experience it?  Did you experience it?  Altered Beast eh, that was a game!  OutRun, stop going left all the time…start going right.  Not sure we like all these platformers, too many.  New add-ons!  CDs eh, that’s the ticket.  What’s a girl?  Sonic 3, great!  What’s this strange hair growing around the groin area?  Is it 3D graphics?  Is that what’s growing around the groin area?  It looks all awkward and strange…. what’s a 32X?

THE NEW ERA OF GAMES BEGINS!

Forget about those SEGA and Nintendo games all about COLOUR (COLOR – for the US people) and FUN and VARIETY, the new age is about Sony! And the PlayStation!  And to celebrate over 67 years of PlayStation dominance Sony is releasing a smaller version of their first console which you can plug into your new television.  Does your new telly have a SCART socket?  Think that’s how you connect it, isn’t it?  Or that shit yellow plug, what’s that one?

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THE GAMES!

NOTUKRESISTANCE were emailed by Sony themselves with the exclusive list of games that will be inserted into the console when it’s released next month, December 2018! The press release is as follows:

“20 classic PlayStation games are already loaded into the hard-drive of this small console – a high definition sort of 20GB IDE “HDD” so you’ll be free to add more games if/when you want.”

1. DESTRUCTION DERBY

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Destruction Derby ignited the world of bashing a car left and then right and then left into a wall, and then bashing it right again. A flawed but groundbreaking game in the genre of bashing cars left and right.

2. DESTRUCTION DERBY II

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Took everything that made Destruction Derby the game is was and amplified it TIMES TWO. We’re talking twice the left bashing and twice the right bashing. It also introduced twice the bashing on being hit from behind.

3. DESTRUCTION DERBY III

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An unexpected lull in the series as the car bashes were minimised in favour of a more emotional backstory of the cars parents, and the cars ultimate discovery of self-worth and dealing with abandonment issues.

4. DESTRUCTION DERBY IV

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Stealth gameplay added which enables players to take their car and “sneak up on” other cars before bashing them left.

5. DESTRUCTION DERBY V

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An evolution of the previous game in the series in which cars can now sneak up on and bash players to the right. A cheat code is required to start the game due to a rushed CD publishing incident.

6. DESTRUCTION DERBY VI

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Arguably one of the series best story lines, in which some robot cars turn up and talk about magic. The magic hasn’t really made the world a good place so the robot cars seek to find the good magic to make sure that the world of bashing cars left and right survives in a world of good magic.

7. DESTRUCTION DERBY VII

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The first game in the series to feature fully rendered bashing cars left and also right. Plus the ability to customise number plates and save those number plates for your next playthrough. Additional playthroughs offer no further additions.

8. DAYTONA USA

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Introduced “gameplay” into the series, with innovative features such as FUN and PLAYABILITY. A unique “DRIFT” mechanic can be unlocked after 200 hours of gameplay, a truly unique feature at the time.

9. DESTRUCTION DERBY IX

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Did you have a widescreen television back when IX was released? If you did you’ll remember this release was due to have a widescreen option but Sony decided to change this and it didn’t have a widescreen option in the end. Bit of a disappointment because you bought that widescreen television.

10. DESTRUCTION DERBY X

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Did ship with a widescreen option but you had to finish the game on the highest difficulty setting to unlock the option and you also needed a 128MB memory card to save the unlocked widescreen option. 128MB memory cards were a Japanese only release and not compatible with US/EU/JP consoles.

11. DESTRUCTION DERBY XI

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A break from tradition what with the changing attitudes in society, XI was very much the enlightened car bashing simulator. The bashing cars left and right mechanic was replaced with a more gently empathetic gameplay. Instead of bashing cars, the player was urged to stroke and caress the opposition cars.

12.DESTRUCTION DERBY XIII

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Back to seriously bashing cars left and right and back and front after the fans fury following a previous entry in the series.

13. DESTRUCTION DERBY XIV

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Destruction Derby XIV had a well documented troubled development. Initially envisioned as a cell-shaded car bashing simulator, the publisher demanded that the original car bashing simulator graphics be restored, with extra unpredictable physics.

14. DESTRUCTION DERBY XV

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Essentially a remake of the original Destruction Derby but was significantly improved by the introduction of 25 extra polygons per car. Textures were added to a minimum of 12 polygons to ensure full compliance of positive review specifications from Games Media.

15. DESTRUCTION DERBY XVI

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A historic moment in the lifecycle of the PlayStation console in that at least 50 extra polygons were found at the back of the console just under the casing and next to the power cable. The extra polygons had previously been promised to the SEGA Saturn, which caused an industry outrage for the entire weekend.

16. DESTRUCTION DERBY XVII

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This is a strange addition to the series as it’s not considered canon with the Destruction Derby series. Car bashing left and right appears to happen in an alternate reality in which right car bashing appears to be left car bashing and left car bashing appears to be right car bashing.

17. DESTRUCTION DERBY XVIII

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The first in the series to feature RPG (Role Playing Game) elements in which the player is rewarded with the ability to increase the speed of which cars can be bashed left and right by successfully bashing cars left and right quickly in the first place.

18. DESTRUCTION DERBY XIX

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5% reduction in the damage taken by certain cars after an online bulletin board poll found certain left and right bashing cars were weighted unfavourably which did initially cause an upset in the Professional Car Bashing Left And Right electronic sport community.

19. DESTRUCTION DERBY XX

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An unpopular remake of DESTRUCTION DERBY XI in which the player attempts to romance one of the bashing left and right cars. Often considered an adult only title due to the quite frankly disgusting depiction of the rear end of the cars.

20. DESTRUCTION DERBY XXI

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The final entry in the series. The series was cancelled due to the fact that the general public weren’t really interested in any more games that features bashing cars around without weapons. The Games media at the time reviewed the gamed unfavourably, however Edge magazine gave it an 8 out of 10.

A GENERAL REVIEW

One of the finest collections of Destruction Derby games there has ever been. It’s a shame they didn’t include Destruction Derby XII, arguably the best in the series (licensing issues with Gary Busey). The sad fact is the source code was lost so we’ll never know what happened in the cave. If you vaguely remember something called “Video Games” appearing around 1996 then this is the mini-console for you!

Coming Soon: The SEGA Saturn Mini with the lost Destruction Derby XXII.

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In celebration of the SEGA Saturn’s 16th birthday and the fact that all SEGA sites have a Top Something For The Saturn Feature, here’s Hollywood’s top lunatic Gary Busey with his Top 5 SEGA Saturn games.  Handy that Gary emailed in this Update a while ago with the accompanying text.

“Hey NOTUKRESISTANCE,

Gary Busey here with some Buseyisms for you.  What does T.E.A.M stand for?  TOGETHER EVERYBODY ACHIEVES MORE, did you know that?  Now post this Update or I’ll kick your fuckin’ neck through.

Sincerely yours,

Gary Busey”

Thanks Gary, here’s your Top 5 in no particular order.

“I love Virtua Fighter 2 and I kick ass as Lau Chan.  Gibson can’t beat me, I p4wn his ass good!”

“I love the original Daytona USA so much I’m eatin’ my fuckin’ THUMB here! Gibson pussied out when I got the Championship Circuit Edition and a NetLink.”

“While I was making a wonderful movie called The Rage I smashed the living shit outta Dragon Force.”

“If anyone says NiGHTS is gay then they’re a HOMESEXUAL and I’ll break their face in.”

“Panzer Dragoon Zwei is one serious on-rail shootin’ Mutha Fucka!  I play it at MY angle too.”

Thanks Gary, there goes Gary Busey everyone!

For some reason Gary didn’t use the door on the way out the building.  We heard breaking glass then a car roar off into the distance.

As the European SEGA Saturn is now 16 you can all have “legal” sexual intercourse with it. Japanese Saturn owners had the pleasure of legally breaking their Saturn in around 4 years ago.  Poor thing probably had no idea what was happening to it at first, but got used to it over time.

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