Here are some images from the SEGA Sonic Boom event last night at Club Nokia, Los Angeles.  Here’s where all the Sonic fun happened and where Tara Long was, probably.

See that alleyway?  That’s where Club Nokia is, in a shopping centre.

It’s seeing images like the following that induces mixed feelings of longing, loneliness and agoraphobia.

It really doesn’t get much better than this.  If we went to E3 we would go here in full Sonic costume, the costume that gathers up a little too much around the crotch.

But our drunkenness levels would have to be so very high to even begin to feel comfortable.

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8 Bucks!  We could sneak in a pre-mixed bottle of cheap Vodka in the Sonic costume.  We’d then try and sneak some in to a Booth Babe’s drink but they probably have this.

Before all the excitement of Sonic Boom, we had a lovely walk around SEGA’s E3 booth and caught up with an old friend.

Look! Here he is!  Sonic was just around the corner.  1991! What have we been doing for the last 20 years?

Please…don’t do this.  We pestered our parents for months before we got a SEGA CD for Christmas.  MONTHS AND MONTHS AND MONTHS, ALL DAY AND EVERYDAY.

That’s SEGA All-Stars Racing on iPad.  Bouncing aimlessly from wall to obstacle and back again is obviously what’s called fun these days.

** BOOTH BABE UPDATE **

The contractor girls have been staring at Flickr Booth Babe pictures for almost the entire week and we think one of them is starting to “turn”.  Keeps looking at the other two like a man would a juicy steak.

Our other E3 “homie” in the field richcz3 has been going great guns with his images.

Points deducted due to black boob tubes under white shirts instead of bras.  The “school girl lesbian” thing keeps it a respectable score though.

7/10

Having your arms around each other instantly ups the points, as does having the same hair colour.  Left is deducted points due to the zip being too high.

6/10

On searching for Nyko on Google to verify which assorted awful accessories they may be peddling at E3, we discovered they still support the Dreamcast!

The eyes are said to be the windows to the soul, and these windows look into a bleak and cold existence.  You need to use your imagination with this one which significantly lowers the score.

4/10

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It’s just like the good old days Sonic, when you were the recipient and not the giver.  It’s men but then that doesn’t matter, there’s only so much dignity left that can be taken away.

Just let the men get on with it Sonic, it’ll be all over soon.

“YOU! You took everything away from me…robbed me of my FUTURE!”

Games? No, you don’t want to bother with those as they’re for Children and Asperger’s sufferers.  As is the next section of this Update.

** BOOTH BABE UPDATE **

Thick and fast now, first up nice Flickr person wongjp allows us access to his good work.

“This High Performance Energy drink will allow your penis to become a thing of immense power and attraction.  I’ll then take you somewhere private and show you what to do with it”  is that this lady said.

Flickr person richcz3 has allowed everyone to use his photos so we feel less special but well done all the same, no “Image Nazi” here.  Entire set HERE.

Here are the “Dignity Invaders” again, slowly building a decent obsession with Right.

The girls are warming up a bit now,  nice and slutty.  Almost looks like she means it.

Can’t guarantee they’ll be any SEGA games if you come back later, but they’ll be more dead-eyed Booth Babes to get frustrated over.  We’ve had at least 4 more wanks a day since doing these E3 Updates.

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Don’t worry everyone, new SEGA happiness is just around the corner.  Why this Platinum Games Anarchy Reigns booth is just a façade, soon to be peeled away to showcase a plethora of interesting and innovative games.

If we MUST have Anarchy Reigns then hoping that Platinum Games go the whole hog this time and just show her naked jiggling breasts, that’s a detachable breast plate if ever we saw one.  Either that or her breasts are entirely detachable.

Here again, AGAIN.  Sonic on a Skate/Hover Board on a road, instantly Happiness down by 150%.  He’s missed those rings as well :(

** BOOTH BABE UPDATE **

KIND AND GENEROUS Flickr person Joits has allowed us to embed his E3 Booth Babes images, that’s the kind of world we want to live in where people share things and are nice to each other.  Especially if the photographs are of scantily clad women for our enjoyment.

They’re probably washing cars and being called YO BITCH SKANK and things like that.  It is Saint’s Row after all.

Tummies everywhere, EVERYWHERE.  Few more moles on Right’s tummy but she’s far prettier.  View the full set HERE.

Haven’t had “permission” yet from another Flickr user mrtruffle so here are some screen shots of his work.  Go HERE to view the entire set.

Hoping this is just the teaser and we’ll get the “proper” version of this girl on the toilet soon.

First they’ll order you to take your trousers off, then your Sonic pants and finally they’ll point and laugh.  Taking what’s left of your dignity away from you.

After the frankly laughable debacle last night regarding embedding other people’s photos, we thought we’d ask this time so kudos to you Joits and hopefully to you as well mrtruffle.

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From the “shop floor” of SEGA’s Aliens: Colonial Marines booth.

Could be a promotional shot from a Straight-To-TV Aliens spin-off sequel starring Greg Evigan and directed by Paul Verhoeven.  The woman on the left will be down to her panties and sweaty tight white vest about 10:20pm.

Smiling because he knowns the woman on the left will shortly be sporting only panties and a sweaty tight white vest.

**  BOOTH BABE UPDATE **

Images are now starting to filter out from E3.  Here’s a selection:

UPDATE: The site we stole from has forbidden the images, we’ll have to steal from some nicer people later on.  Go HERE if you must look, the quality is extremely poor and actually not worth stealing.

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The new Nintendo Wii U controller has a rather large screen, the Dreamcast controller had a smaller screen via a VMU THIRTEEN YEARS AGO.  Here are some uses we can see becoming commonplace in the average household for the “new” controller.

Keeping up with all the misogynistic action over at NOTUKRESISTANCE.

Reading about your favourite SEGA consoles on your favourite games website.

You simply MUST know who made it through to the finals of the SEGA sponsored Miss Magazine contests in the future.

Playing Sonic The Hedgehog via the download service, again.  You will, YOU ALL WILL.

Masturbating to lesbian pornography when everyone has gone to bed.  The women using this Wii U controller hasn’t yet worked out you need a free hand, either than or a Wiimote has gone “rogue”.

It’s not like you could watch lesbian pornography on the Dreamcast’s VMU is it?  Even if we could we’d all still be playing that fun shooting game you could download from Power Stone.

The contractor girls earning their minimum wage at the moment.  Bonuses will be paid out based on Update quality.

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No SEGA news or no news worth posting yet, maybe they’ll be some later.

** BOOTH BABE UPDATE **

Video Games website G4 do their bit for VIDEO GAMES FEMINISM each year by running an E3 Booth Babe competition.  One lucky girl gets to become a G4 E3 Booth Babe representative.  Duties include:

  • Looking as if she want sex with you, possible with another Booth Babe
  • Trying to look interested in whatever blog/site you attempt to write for
  • Remembering what products/services they’re supposed to be advertising
  • Getting the tea

For the “Winner” there’s a chance to join Playboy Playmate Sara Underwood at E3 with G4. Here’s Sara:

Look at her eyes, she DEFINITELY wants to have sex with you.  Yes, YOU.

Here are some past G4 E3 Booth Babe Representatives.

WOULD TRY x5.  Would try twice with “Red” until we cried.

We’ll bring you coverage of the “Winner” as soon as possible and some SEGA news if it’s worth posting.

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SEGA announce Virtua Tennis 4 for Sony’s new outrageously expensive handheld PSVITA. Here’s a screen shot.

Tim Henman is probably unlockable, doesn’t matter as he’s rubbish anyway.

** E3 BOOTH BABE WATCH **

Looks like G4 are keeping the good fight going.

Too much “boob crease” on Left.  Right is looking quite perky though.

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To give our E3 coverage a little “professionalism” we’ve had to call in some proper short-term journalist contractors for E3 week.  The interview process went reasonably well, not one of the girls flinched when asked what kind of shampoo and conditioner combination they each used.

The girls will be posting E3 SEGA related Updates as and when they get faxed into the office.

SURELY can’t get into trouble when they’re only here for a week, we’ll be out of the office most of the time so will hopefully avoid any embarrassing situations with “cameras” and “accidental upskirts”.

Here’s where SEGA are at E3:

Microsoft have the large area to the left of SEGA but it’ll probably be full of men in suits. SEGA will have Clowns and Parties and Ice-Cream and Laughter and Fun.

SEGA of America have all 3 of those meeting rooms in the corner, these may be inhabited by men in suits talking business.  We’re not sure at this stage.

Unfortunately by looking at the SEGA E3 line up we’re only at around +14% Happiness. Unless there’s some corkers ready to be pulled out the bag we’ll be reduced to critically commenting on Captain America and Binary Domain.  And nobody wants that.

Here’s our SEGA E3 Fantasy Announcements:

  • SEGA sign those clever people that remade Streets Of Rage and give them an “AM” signature
  • Yu Suzuki tells everyone “it was all a big joke!” about leaving SEGA and promptly boards a Jet bound for Sumo Digital to oversea OutRun 3.
  • Daytona USA HD remake in the works by AM2 with 40-player co-op.

The contracted girls have also been told if any “booth babes” appear on Flickr they should be posted on NotUKR immediately for dissection.  Bet they’ll secretly love doing that, a chance to be all “catty” about the thick layers of make-up and tight shorts that “do nothing for her figure.”

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We really should have staggered these Richard Jacques Updates, not sure you’re all ready for THREE recent activities in ONE Update.

** PART ONE – THE EVENT **

Richard Jacques was a guest panellist at the Ear Candy: Video Game Music event in the Barbican, London, last Wednesday.  Up for discussion was the “role of music in video games”, “its evolution from the Commodore 64 era to the present day” and “its impact on popular culture”.  Hope they discussed how “Can You Feel The Sunshine?” played on loud speaker everyday on rough council estates would drop crime by 98% (2% being deaf criminals).

No images found so here’s a place-holder picture of Richard until we can eventually steal some from Flickr.

Apparently a live musical interactive demonstration was featured, unconfirmed though.  If anyone attended and hasn’t yet posted any videos then PLEASE DO SO then email/comment.

** PART TWO – THE OUTBURST **

In what can best be described as a sincere heart-felt outburst at the previously mentioned Ear Candy event, Richard Jacques complained that people prefer listening to their own music library whilst possibly playing 007 Blood Stone.

Richard had this to say:

“I think it’s absolutely ridiculous, personally”

In total agreement if it’s a Richard Jacques composed score.  RICHARD GAINED A DEGREE IN MUSIC COMPOSITION FROM THE ROYAL ACADEMY OF MUSIC.  Suggs did not.

** PART THREE – THE AWARD **

Part Three of our Richard Jacques Triple Pack Bonanza sees Richard losing out on the Ivor Novello “Best Original Video Game Score” award to Napolean: Total War.  Since Total War is a SEGA series we’re torn by this turn of events but we hope Richard “Gin And Juiced” it with all those C-list skanks.  Eventually being thrown out for indecent behaviour.

Here are some “probably true” mock-ups of  what we think happened at the ceremony.

 

Richard with some “Grimey Tune” youths.

Richard sidling up to Presenter MILF “Penny Smith”.

Hoping the recent outburst and awards loss isn’t a precursor to career freefall for Richard. We’re now dreading that shambling, semi-coherent “noise” soundtrack which ultimately leads to a humiliating drug-addled spiral into a Syd Barrett-esque reclusive existence.

We’ll perhaps make a documentary and ask Dominik Diamond to narrate it.

 

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Of course there’s THAT story going on but every man alive has been covering it, even Commander Zorg at UK:R came out of retirement. The world still turns.

What goes on tour stays on tour, we’ve heard about the degrading filth that happens on these PR trips when the uncontrollable urges of the “stars” take over.   Sonic and The Italian were forced onto the London roads in a red Route-master bus to hype Mario & Sonic At The Olympic Games 2012.

We were notified by Mattbot, don’t have the heart to say we already knew through Twitter. You can simply watch world events unfold on Twitter so every now and then just act surprised, the world doesn’t hold onto its surprises for very long any more.

Hope they’d have fallen out by now, both roughly at that age where they’re all cocksure, arrogant and insufferable.  Sonic really needs to start pushing for Alpha-male status now otherwise The Italian is going to be knee deep in all the entourage poontang.  Although we have heard the rumours about swinging both ways.

Is The Italian doing one of those “street” hand gestures?

See the guy in the red t-shirt further up the road?  He’s the one that can get “things” for the stars while on the road.

Full-on gaze, arms pulled back drawing attention to the groin area.

Sonic remains unabashed, something’s going to get it good and proper later.  Him Again on the left is doing another “youth” pose.  

Private because that’s where all the sex happens.

We can spot 29 potential female conquests.  Although a couple are confusing, can’t tell what they are but The Italian wouldn’t mind.

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