EMERGENCY BROADCAST: There’s been another Update about the 90’s Arcade Racer on Kickstarter HERE.  6 unique race tracks confirmed!  Different times of day confirmed!  Massively uncomfortable twitching erection confirmed!  Here’s the first track, Island Short.

Amazing amounts of colourful hues going on in this image, too many to cope with all in one go.  Balloons to the left, colourful billboards to the right and multi-coloured flags all across the middle.

TWO TUNNEL ROUTES!  Plus a cassette over one of the tunnel entrances!  This is all too much, going to have a lie down in the dark for a while after all this.  The nurse said not to use too many exclamation marks in such a small confined space.

Tomorrow: Island Long

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Recoil in HORROR and SHOCK as you look at her NAKED FOREARM.  Stare wide-eyed in FURY and DISGUST at that bit ABOVE THE BOOBS AND BELOW THE NECK.

TOUCH YOURSELF against your OWN WILL at her OPEN MOUTHED FACE.  When will it ever end?  Come back soon for righteous coverage of the inevitable DEGRADING FILTH at Gamescom.

** SOME OTHER THINGS **

Things that have been found or emailed in that are going on out there in the real world.


ACTUAL GAME NEWS: PIKMIN 3 ON WII U

Launches today!  If you do anything else of note other than getting out of bed then that thing should be buying Pikmin 3.  If you don’t have a Wii U then that’s your own fault.  Maybe it’s Nintendo’s fault a little bit as well.

ACTUAL GAME NEWS: KOKUGA ON 3DS

Slightly less mental than previous games by the creator of Radiant Silvergun but still massively brilliant and available now on the Nintendo eShop for about £13.

Maybe we’ll do a review at some point.

MEN IN GAME SHOP SELL SEGA SATURN GAMES

Men showcasing readily available SEGA Saturn games, which means Saturn hardware production should never have ceased.  Saturn stuff starts about 4 minutes in if you want to skip the GameCube bit.

One of them keeps on getting corrected by the other one but overall a good effort and does still help overall.

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Like Android tablets and phones and also on iPhones and iPads, those sorts of devices.  It costs about 2 or 3 quid depending on which device you use and it’s out right now.  It’s an Ubisoft release though, you might have an embargo on buying any of their stuff so you’ve been warned.

Did you ever play Rayman Origins?  If not then you really should do.  It’s worth its weight in gold, even when you get really frustrated after getting to that mental Land Of The Livid Dead area and die for the 428th time.

Rayman Jungle Run is only one of those automatic-running-then-press-something-to-jump games but it’s so fantastic and colourful and smiley.  Most of Rayman Origins was manually running right and pressing jump at the right time so this isn’t much different.  For only 3 quid!

Rayman Legends is being released on the Wii U soon, the best new console ever.  Must mention at some point that the Wii U is going to be amazing.  Yes, amazing.  And crazy as well, a screen on a control pad!  What will those boffins at Nintendo think of next eh!?

It was tricky trying to take snapshots of all the crazy action whilst playing.  See those bits of thorny tentacle things?  Well there’s loads of them swishing about all over the place and you need to be really quick and/or skillful to get past them without losing a heart or your life.

In Conclusion: 10/10

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Forgotten WordPress admin passwords and long lost know-how on embedding Youtube videos be damned!  A DOMINIK DIAMOND GAME REVIEW VIDEO THING FROM 2012!  He’s back and looking thinner than a while ago, here’s hoping he’s not ill.

He Who Is God Amongst Men isn’t going through the motions either.  You’d know why if you’d read his autobiography, you finally “get it” after about 12 reads.  The bits about the drugs and the football team hatred are quite harrowing really.

*

It wasn’t all about GamesMaster and how everyone thought Dave “The Games Animal” Perry was a right cunt about that Mario 64 challenge :(

* video posted twice in case you missed the first instance.  Try playing both about 1 second apart, it’s quite mesmerising.

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You haven’t?  Where have you been living for the past month, in a rubbish bin?  It’s quite the controversial game from our Second Favourite Indie Game Developer Terrier Games.  Included in the 2.3MB zip file is the Windows game executable itself plus a README.txt file if you always need everything explaining to you.

Download from HERE and play at your own risk.  Got to level 3 then had to go and have a cup of tea and punch the wall a few times, it made the Update team jump.  You’ll do the same in whatever grim basement office you currently work in.

Android version next, please.

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Does he know about that sensational figure-hugging blue dress?  What about those suspiciously clean white pants that seem one size too small?  Please don’t say no-one ever mentioned to Akira that Kasumi has the World’s Most Wonderful Breasts?

Dead Or Alive 5 with Virtua Fighter’s Akira: A new Dead Or Alive game that isn’t focussed solely on Females lounging around wearing very tight and slightly see-through bikinis or underwear.  It’s once again OK to be seen buying a DOA game under the pretence that you like fighting games and are in anyway good at them.

And not for the real reason, which probably has something to do with Vaginas.  You’ll have bought or most likely stolen the other non-fighting DOA games from the Internet anyway.

Yes, you did.

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A downloadable impulse purchase that costs £5.40 shouldn’t be this captivating, it shouldn’t detract from playing loads of emulated Mega Drive games on a modified PSP.  Especially when in the middle of getting all the Chaos Emeralds in Sonic 3 by repeatedly saving and loading when things go wrong in the bonus stages.

Pullblox is on the downloadable Nintendo 3DS shop thing and is THE BEST THING EVER, at least in 2012.  At least in 2012 on a dedicated Video Games handheld console that isn’t a tablet or a mobile phone.

You play as that little Man who needs to pull blocks in and out to create a route for himself to free the trapped little creature.  Sometimes you can’t figure it out right away so you need to just sit for a while staring into space, this is rather nice.  We’re only on the second set of challenges so there’s loads to go.

This is the Pullblox Studio which allows you to create your own Pullblox levels!  Literally hours of fun here without the merest hint of sarcasm.  Looking forward to being a valued member of the Advanced Pullblox Members Board, hopefully chaired by Gemma Atkinson or Tara Long.

Please let it be chaired by Tara Long.

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Hold on to your penises! Wiggle them around quite a bit until they’re either red and sore or semi erect! Yesterday there appeared some news about a new Neo Geo console, it’s being labelled as a retro one because the games it’ll play are from the early 1990s. Presumably you won’t need to spend roughly £150 for each game this time around.

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Once the official announcement is made by SNK we’ll be stealing as many high resolution photographs and screenshots as possible. The past NOTUKR coverage of the various SEGA Blaze consoles will seem insignificant in comparison.

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So say some ratings people HERE.  But which portions of their buttocks?  The dull bits around the outside near the hip or the much more terrifying dank area where said buttocks meet the legs?  It’s important to clarify, various rape fantasies depend on details and not just vague comments.

Once being able to manipulate a free-roaming camera in replay mode becomes a chore then we’ll give it all up.  Even if Japanese Men Programmers still maintain a healthy obsession with developing breast augmentation features for female characters.

There’s no irony here either, which is probably the problem.

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If you’re one of the dozens of people around the world eagerly awaiting Redspot Games new Dreamcast shooter Sturmwind then you’re in for a rather disappointing Monday afternoon/early evening.  In a large mass of text that swaps between English and German sent by email earlier today Redspot Games reported:

“Sadly the production of Sturmwind has seen some complications. We a very sorry we have to bring you this news. Nevertheless we would like to thank everyone who is interested in Sturmwind for their continuous faith in this ambitious Indie project. You keep this project going. Diese Meldung ist auch in Deutsch verfügbar (siehe unten). (English) Production complications: Sturmwind is about to be delayed In spite of best planing, the release of Sturmwind has to be postponed: Our long-term CD-ROM manufacturer surprisingly had to declare bankruptcy after 19 years in business. From 40 employees only a few remained. Therefore this resulted in the situation that the scheduled delivery date for Sturmwind could not be met in the end. The only possibility has been to relocate the production – to avoid further delays of the bankrupt facility. Nevertheless items like the spaceship models have been completely manufactured already. Our new partner is one of the largest videogame CD / DVD press plants in Europe with over 50 years of experience in medium production. In the meanwhile we already placed our production order for Sturmwind. The release date is set to TBA (“to be announced”) consequently. Details are currently clarified between redspotgames, Duranik and the new facility. Also we are arranging material for another announcement with more exact information within December, which will be after Christmas however. All orders in the redspotgames online shop will remain valid. (German / Deutsch) Produktions-Komplikationen: Sturmwind steht Verschiebung bevor Trotz bester Planung muss die Veröffentlichung von Sturmwind verschoben werden: Unser langjähriger CD-ROM-Produzent – mit dem wir bereits Wind and Water: Puzzle Battles und Rush Rush Rally Racing realisiert haben – musste nach 19 Jahren Betrieb plötzlich und überraschend Konkurs anmelden. Aus den einst 40 Mitarbeitern blieben nur noch eine Hand voll übrig. Daraus ergab sich letzte Woche die Situation, dass der Liefertermin für Sturmwind schlussendlich nicht mehr einhalten werden konnte. Die einzige Möglichkeit bestand darin – um weitere Verschiebungen des in Konkurs befindlichen Presswerks zu vermeiden – nun die Produktion zu verlagern. Einige Teile wie die Raumschiffmodelle sind bereits komplett hergestellt. Unser neuer Partner ist eines der größten Videospiele-Presswerke Europas mit über 50 Jahren Erfahrung in der Datenträgerproduktion. In der Zwischenzeit haben wir diesem bereits den Auftrag für Sturmwind erteilt. Der Veröffentlichungstermin ist somit auf TBA (“to be announced”) gesetzt. Details werden gerade zwischen redspotgames, Duranik und dem neuen Presswerk abgeklärt. Auch bereiten wir gerade Material für eine weitere Ankündigung genauerer Informationen im Dezember vor, welche jedoch erst nach Weihnachten erscheinen wird. Alle Bestellungen im redspotgames online shop behalten ihre Gültigkeit.”

This isn’t going very well for poor old Redspot Games is it?  Both in terms of new game releases and also in the email-formatting stakes.

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