Hannah, put those old plain digestives away and break open the Penguin biscuits!  Come on now, arrange them nicely on one of the good plates.  We’re celebrating a fragile armistice between Ubisoft and NOTUKR due to Rayman Origins, however once we’re bored of it we’ll go back to DEFCON 1.  After all, they’ve got a Just Dance internet telly channel which needs addressing.

Rayman Origins is wonderful and that statement is purely based on the demo, just think what’s going to happen when we get the full boxed version.  Uncomfortable erections all round!

And yes, it’s a “boxed retail” game and not a 5 quid download-only title that lasts about an hour.  It’s a platform game and although platform games have enjoyed a resurgence of late due to the various download channels available, most have all been rubbish based on poncy graphics.

These graphics on the other hand have been made by poncy French people, if you’re going to have poncy stuff then it’s best left to the French because they do it best.

The last 2 screenshots are of the side-scrolling shooting levels, they could have made the whole game from these levels alone and it would still be amazing.  Look, it’s a giant chilli sitting in a bowl!  You have to shoot the cunt in the face though so there’s still potential for The Daily Mail to get all annoyed about the portrayal of violence in video games.

It’s released this Friday so you can save up all your unemployment benefit and blow it all on one great big wonderful colourful game.  The music is barmy as well.

There’s this one bit which has some giant worm things chasing you and you have to get the swimming bit right and then some platforming stuff correct otherwise they’ll get you!

Thanks to Phorenzik over at Rose Tinted Gamers for pointing this one out as it would’ve been ignored, war has a tendency to cloud the judgement.

Tomorrow:  Something about Gamesmaster because it’s all we’ve been watching lately.

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Well this is all YOUR fault SEGA, after playing 6 1/2 minutes of the Sonic Generations demo and sadly realising it’s not that good we needed to play another game.  The other reason Need For Speed: The Run got downloaded was that half the sleeping tablet which is part of the nightly routine still had 20 minutes left before kicking in.

There are two levels to play in Sonic Generations and 2 levels to play in Need For Speed: The Run.  Can you guess which set of 2 levels were the most fun to play?

Watching the rewind screen in the car game was much more fun than playing either New or Old Sonic levels in Sonic Generations.

This is actually rather fun what with the “boost” button, watch out for the falling snow and rocks!  Actually only the rocks cause any problems, the chunks of snow can be driven through without much incident.

Top Tip:  It’s easier to dodge the falling rocks using the “in car” view.  This has taken quite a bit of time to get used to seeing as though there’s a permanent red Ferrari burned into the telly.

Verdict:  Starting up a SEGA fansite in 2011 wasn’t the greatest idea in the world, probably should subtly change into a Miss Magazine fansite.

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Radiant Silvergun is the biggest waste of time on this planet, it simply does not justify the hype and praise lavished upon it by all the idiots on The Internet.  Incredibly dated gameplay mechanics with sub-par visuals compounded by an increasingly annoying soundtrack and a confusing weapons system.  There’s simply nothing about this game that can be recommended, play Halo 1 on the Xbox instead of this nonsense.

Only joking, IT’S FUCKING AMAZING and Halo is actually the shit one!  It’s so amazing that you need to play it a bit first, say an hour, then go away for a while and maybe have a cup of tea and some biscuits to mull things over.

It’ll then become apparent that it truly is one of the greatest shooting-at-evil-spaceships games ever.  It’s even better than all the R-Type and Gradius games put together but not quite as good as Thunderforce IV.  Saying anything is better than Thunderforce IV is liable to end up with your head getting kicked in, from big burly men probably.

Your spaceship has a sword, yes A SWORD ON A SPACESHIP.  You can use it to “kill” pink bullets and charge up for a super sword attack.  In fact each weapon has a specific use but don’t bother trying to figure them all out because you’ll only just forget.  If you think it’s hard and you don’t get very far without having to set the game to Very Easy then just play it again and again and again and again and again and again and you’ll get better at it.

Now for the time being until we get really, really good at Radiant Silvergun again these are screenshots taken from a “level grinding” Normal Story mode session.  The weapons have been heavily upgraded by saving each Story mode play through.  But that’s the beauty of Radiant Silvergun, it’s embarrassing to need to get anywhere by doing this so it makes you try harder.  Each time you play Story mode you’ll go back and play Arcade and get that bit further.  At some point in the not-too-distance future we’ll be amazing at it and will be condescending to anyone who isn’t.

If you have a video games website or blog and want to review this game to give it a 10 or 100% or whatever scoring system you use then feel free to download and use these screenshots.  They’re being released under the Creative Commons licence thing.  In all honesty the screenshots are not “High Definition” quality due to owning a rather cheap recording device, but they’re free so stop moaning.

If, however, you use these screenshots and you give the game a bad review then Mummy will be round your house to fuck shit up.  Or sleep with you, whichever is worse.

You really had to be there when this was released on the SEGA Saturn all those years ago because it looked amazing, this was future shit in 1998.  You probably were there though and were far cleverer in actually keeping hold of your import copy rather than foolishly trading it in for a Neo Geo Pocket Colour at Computer Exchange.

This is one of those games that benefits from having loads of screenshots done because it’s even better in action.  Think of all those games that look good in screenshots then they’re all juddery or slow when actually moving.  This does not happen here, the screenshots are simply a prelude to the magnificence that’s to come when you actually play it.

There should be some facts in here as well as you like facts, it’s downloadable on XBox 360 and costs 1200 points.  You might as well buy 2000 points and get something else as well, like OutRun Online Arcade or SEGA Rally Online Arcade which are 800 points each.  BUY IT NOW HERE.

Look at the screenshot above, everything’s gone all wireframe and computery!  This really is the Future.  Although not sure why the homing laser weapon was being used here, the sideways-but-a-bit-diagonal would have been better under the circumstances.

Summary And A Score For Score-Type People: It’s a corker of a game and if you’ve got an arcade stick it’s even better because you can pretend you’re in an actual Arcade.  An Arcade where your Mum gets you tea and a Twix every half an hour!

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It’s already been available for a couple of weeks and there’s even a competition over at the developers blog HERE.

*Knocked up artwork for Platformcraft


Official Press Release:

Been working on this one on and off for a few months. It’s called Platformcraft, and is basically an attempt to squeeze Minecraft-style gameplay into 2MB and a side-on view.

It’s like a mini-playground, but with blue skies! :D

There’s a fairly extensive README attached, so I think I’ll leave the description there. Hope you enjoy!

Karl

P.S – It’s one of the easier games I’ve made, but that’s probably a relative statement rather than an absolute.


DOWNLOAD HERE.

It’s safe for work so you can spend the rest of your day being a square pink Female if you like.

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A nice man called “Keith” said we could use some of his Flickr images so went and had a look around.  Unfortunately became instantly jealous of how “Keith” manages to not only keep his subjects in shot AND in focus but also that he goes outside and does things in the real world.  When subjects are not focussed this is probably intentional and “arty”.

Any ideas of image relevance lay dormant for a while until we bought Child Of Eden and suddenly remembered this:


An image by Keith

You could literally touch this!  And it’s a bit like Child Of Eden if you ignored the Man on the right.  Or you could imagine the Man on the right is a real world personification of the in-game virus.

Child Of Eden

In essence this Update is about the beauty and elegance of Child Of Eden and also about snooping around one man’s Flickr account to find anything vaguely linked to Video Games.

Could look at Child Of Eden images all day.  If we could capture our own we’d post about a thousand each week.

Make that about 2 thousand a week as we’re going to take photos of the telly instead of these stolen-not-really-game-play images.

No doubt snooping around for ideas to steal.  The one on the right in case you’re wondering.

In an act of “Guerilla Marketing” for Child Of Eden we righted the following wrong in an Argos store we visited at the weekend.

How can you frame such a beautiful game with these stinking turds?

There were only 3 copies of Child Of Eden but that’s much better, shortly after this image was taken we were chased out of Argos.

In conclusion buy Child Of Eden.  There’s a link to the right of this Update which will show you the cheapest place to buy it if cost is an issue, in this case it really shouldn’t be.

** OPEN PLEA TO KEITH **

That Kyoto Gaming Bar you mentioned, are there any photos?

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Continuing our Sonic The Hedgehog Extravaganza started only yesterday, here’s a Sonic game found on the Internet that’s been embedded in Excel.  If you work in an office with other people then it’s best to angle the screen away otherwise everyone will get jealous.

If you have your own office you probably shouldn’t be here in the first place as you’re probably supposed to be using Excel for it’s real purpose, making garish graphs of financial things.

It’s based on Sonic Advance 2 and has probably already done the rounds years ago but DOWNLOAD HERE, it’s free from Viruses.

For those that work in a Warehouse/Distribution Centre we’re not sure whether it’ll work on the old PC in the main office that a woman called “Sue” types re-orders into very slowly. Best check when everyone is having a fag break.

Tomorrow: Another Sonic Extravaganza Update!

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We were expecting Go! Go! Sonic! SP2 but instead got an entirely new IP called Pipeworx.  Well done Terrier Games for not bowing to commercial pressures and simply releasing rehashes and updates.  Although a slightly easier Go! Go! Sonic! wouldn’t be frowned upon by anyone other than the hardcore.

It’s got water in so a bit like Sonic, there was water in Sonic.  We loved the 2-tone sound affect when you breathed from a bubble to stop from drowning, Pipeworx doesn’t have that but then again robots don’t breathe.

Eschewing a complex story-driven narrative for straight up thrills and spills, you’re placed straight into the action as a new robot who must prove himself.  Beware as a plethora of enemies ranging from spikes to lasers, evil robots to giant robotic heads and of course the water will try and stop you.

Look to the top right, see that red wheel? Go grab it and head for the Water Control, once activated your escape route will open.  Beware as the Water will be out to get you!  Will you rush to escape or grab the £1 coins?  The choice is YOURS!

Official Press Release:

“I made a new game recently, and slipped a few probably not-very-subtle UK:R references into it. It’s nowhere near as hard as Go! Go! Sonic!

Probably.”

It’s the “probably” that draws you in.  We got to the giant robotic head but we’d run low on health and couldn’t quite “finish him off.”  Will go back to later.

Download the 1.3MB ZIP file HERE, it’s safe for work and doesn’t contain any viruses, promise.

Potential advertising slogan for Pipeworx,  “It’s the only Pipe you’ll Worx!”

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Minutes from Fridays boardroom Update meeting.

Captain Whoops: Do we have to?
Update Team: Our consumer focus groups feel that you should zero in on actual games news
CW: So what shall we report?
UT: Simply state there’s a new Nintendo console announcement due.
CW: What do the Tech Support girls think?
UT: …
CW: Not this again…
UT: …..
CW: It’s because of the pictures I took during the last IT maintenance update isn’t it?
UT: …
UT: You never take pictures of us.

Apparently They’ll Be A New Nintendo Console Announcement At Some Point This Year.

Now’s your chance to influence the new design, the best one gets picked and sent over to Nintendo HQ in Japan for assessment.  These target demographics have been identified:

Families

Painted-up tarts

Old People.

To kick things off:

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Bombergames did something wonderful, they remade Streets of Rage.  Link originally posted by Phorenzik over at UK:Resistance.

What’s fun about it?

This, this is what’s fun… a pole-dancing male sub-Boss.

Clearly made by people who CARE and LOVE WHAT THEY DO.

Best avoid the nightclub Blaze, you know what happens

Too late…

Not going to post a video because you’re going to DOWNLOAD IT AND PLAY IT NOW.  After you’ve played 10 minutes you’re going to donate, if you don’t then we can’t activate the Megadrive Remake Weekly Sales Chart Machine.

Got through the first level then dinner was served, will go back to it straight after.

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The fax machine is in overdrive, there’s a revised DC release schedule.

Geist Force (tbc April)
Sturmwind  (tbc Q2)


Sturmwind by Redspot Games

This’ll pep the Weekly Sales Chart up.

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