EXCLUSIVE REVEAL: Something you put over your eyes to change reality. You can immerse yourself in some kind of virtual world where events and consequences appear real.

“Load Program: [Grotesque Frag Doll Chase Sequence Number 143] Eventual Capture Mode=1, Begging Mode=1, Texture Resolution=High”

Plus you could probably touch up Violet Berlin, as she is today, if you wanted to. Someone will have a preset on a forum somewhere.

Maybe even a low textured Andy Crane.

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Forgotten WordPress admin passwords and long lost know-how on embedding Youtube videos be damned!  A DOMINIK DIAMOND GAME REVIEW VIDEO THING FROM 2012!  He’s back and looking thinner than a while ago, here’s hoping he’s not ill.

He Who Is God Amongst Men isn’t going through the motions either.  You’d know why if you’d read his autobiography, you finally “get it” after about 12 reads.  The bits about the drugs and the football team hatred are quite harrowing really.

*

It wasn’t all about GamesMaster and how everyone thought Dave “The Games Animal” Perry was a right cunt about that Mario 64 challenge :(

* video posted twice in case you missed the first instance.  Try playing both about 1 second apart, it’s quite mesmerising.

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They’re very good at it, better than the British in so many ways.  But the question is what are the Japanese queuing for today?  Many choices and old favourites present themselves, like maybe a new console.

Or perhaps one of those “J-RPG” things where you run around and engage in very one-sided and repetitive conversation.

Oh, it’s “Pretend Schoolgirl Cleavage.”  So very glad things haven’t moved on very much since around 1995, there’s an order to the world and it shouldn’t change too much.

“NOW, LET ME PUSH MY PRETEND ERECT PENIS IN YOUR PRETEND HOT WET SLUT MOUTH.”

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A FEMALE EMPLOYED BY SEGA sent a lot of words about the PSVita in via email.  Text interspersed with stock photography as no images were attached.  The email sender Ryoko Demoncaller could be any of of these non-ethnically diverse Women so choose wisely if it’s your special time of the day.

“Good day sir, you don’t know me and I hope to god to keep it that way but the point of this correspondence is this.  My boyfriend brought a PSVita (yes he is still my boyfriend because I’m far too lazy to dump him, I’d only just have to get off my arse and find a new one and who can be bothered with that?).”

“So I thought as I am one of the 3 loyal readers that you have I would send you a review of the thing (and I used to be a games tester at Sega, technically I still am employed by them but they seem to have forgotten that I exist).  So here is the review.”

“The PSVita was bought with a memory card and two games, Uncharted and Shinobido.  Upon unwrapping the memory card the first thing that strikes you is how shockingly wasteful the packaging is, the card itself could easily be lost up the nose of the average Sony product user never to be seen again, yet the packaging could feasibly double up as a surf board or boogy board or what ever the hip kids do with boards.”

“The device it self is far too large for this day and age, it’s about the size of a Game Gear with a badly designed button layout, ill thought out touch pad on the back and is cursed with a terrible set of speakers that even the PSP can point and laugh at, as this is the modern age the instruction book is online, my boyfriend endured many unsuccessful attempts at downloading it, first on the Vita, then the PC, then PS3 and finally a last ditch attempt on the phone before giving up,”

“it took him some time to figure out how to sync it to his PS3 and join up the accounts but I believe he figured it out eventually, the device came with AR cards that where totally useless as you need to go online to download the program that uses them, The Vita comes as standard with no memory card, no carry case, no strap, no instruction book, all you get is the device itself and a cardboard box to spend the cold nights in after you just wasted all your hard earned cash.”

“Now to the games, the games are little memory sticks packed into a plastic case that represents a willful waste of the planets precious resources.  Shinobido is a step back in time, I almost welled up with nostalgic tears upon seeing the dodgey camera angle, clashing textures and poor collision detection in some areas, the highlight of the title was the Japanese house that from the sounds of things appeared to be populated by hundreds of invisible song birds all screeching in unison, on the plus side it has an instruction book with a good oder.”

“I moved on to Uncharted which has no instruction book and after jabbing at the screen a bit and getting flashbacks of Dragons Lair, I then moved off to get a cup of tea before finding something better to do.  All in all I’d give Sony a half arsed score of 4/10, it’s clearly an improvement in half arsedness on the PSPGo but is still the work of a man trying too hard to look like he doesn’t care.”

Picked number 3, that finger knows exactly where it’s going and what it needs to do when it gets there.

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You’d think there should be at least 30% of all new console launch day photographs dedicated to the hardware and a decent cross section of unwashed Males.  Instead it’s merely an excuse to ignore everything and build your own ever burgeoning wanking library based solely on the “Woman Who Wears A Skin Tight Blue Jumpsuit For Marketing Sony Products.”

It’s THAT Vagina again in all its mesmerising glory, begging you to squint at the screen for a few minutes to trace its outline.  It probably wants you to guess its internal dimensions and maybe also secretly wishes you’ll have a bit of a think about what it smells like.

He’ll be straight back home to write a 3,560 word review about a new console on sale that’s largely irrelevant outside of Pretend Video Games Journalists and Bloggers.  He’ll also say he didn’t waste £20 on Ridge Racer.  Or £45 on a 16GB memory card.  Or a perfectly good February evening.

FORTY FIVE FUCKING POUNDS!  Full gallery HERE.

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A downloadable impulse purchase that costs £5.40 shouldn’t be this captivating, it shouldn’t detract from playing loads of emulated Mega Drive games on a modified PSP.  Especially when in the middle of getting all the Chaos Emeralds in Sonic 3 by repeatedly saving and loading when things go wrong in the bonus stages.

Pullblox is on the downloadable Nintendo 3DS shop thing and is THE BEST THING EVER, at least in 2012.  At least in 2012 on a dedicated Video Games handheld console that isn’t a tablet or a mobile phone.

You play as that little Man who needs to pull blocks in and out to create a route for himself to free the trapped little creature.  Sometimes you can’t figure it out right away so you need to just sit for a while staring into space, this is rather nice.  We’re only on the second set of challenges so there’s loads to go.

This is the Pullblox Studio which allows you to create your own Pullblox levels!  Literally hours of fun here without the merest hint of sarcasm.  Looking forward to being a valued member of the Advanced Pullblox Members Board, hopefully chaired by Gemma Atkinson or Tara Long.

Please let it be chaired by Tara Long.

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So say some ratings people HERE.  But which portions of their buttocks?  The dull bits around the outside near the hip or the much more terrifying dank area where said buttocks meet the legs?  It’s important to clarify, various rape fantasies depend on details and not just vague comments.

Once being able to manipulate a free-roaming camera in replay mode becomes a chore then we’ll give it all up.  Even if Japanese Men Programmers still maintain a healthy obsession with developing breast augmentation features for female characters.

There’s no irony here either, which is probably the problem.

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Call Centre Support Technicians, Japan.

About the Job

Call Centre Support Technicians wanted for lengthy contract positions within Sony Corporation specifically dealing with “latest to market” handheld technology.  The successful candidates will have experience in the following:
  • Diagnosing and remotely unlocking unresponsive units
  • Troubleshooting unresponsive multi-touch touchscreens
  • Diagnosing “physical spotting” on OLED screens
  • Identifying root causes of power failures
  • Troubleshooting firmware issues and patching


This is a great opportunity to join a large and rapidly expanding team of support technicians.  If this sounds of interest, please forward a recent copy of your CV by mail to Sony C/O Mr Kazuo Hirai, 1-7-1 Konan, Minato-ku, Tokyo 108-0075, Japan.

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This is what happens when all you want is a handful of loose change and to not be set fire to, Sony’s Kaz Hirai forcing a PlayStation Vita into your cold arthritic hands.  Never before has a Man been so close to tears upon the realisation of his current situation.

“No, please stop…you don’t understand….I just wan..what’s this?….I just want something hot to eat…I’m just trying to get enough money to..please, stop”

However, once the PS Vita launches in Blighty and someone cracks it (for EMULATION purposes, not for stealing) we’ll be “all over this shizzle” in a two-faced instant.  The War is changing, the battle lines are most definitely being redrawn.

It’s all extremely unsettling and confusing.

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Judging by the Google search statistics you’re all perverts and said pictures don’t exist, they really don’t.  Not in the public domain anyway as we’ve tried searching, god we’ve tried searching long and hard.  Even yesterday afternoon at work just on the off chance.  Instead why not search for some of Tara’s lovely outfits she wears on the Destructoid show, which is the best internet telly show about video games.

Because of her.

Because of HER.

BECAUSE OF HER.

Tara belongs to us anyway.  This forms part of the “It’s Christmas and can’t be bothered to post anything new” special edition Updates, oh you just wait until next week.  It’s “Top 5” hell all the way.

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