EMERGENCY BROADCAST: There’s been another Update about the 90’s Arcade Racer on Kickstarter HERE.  6 unique race tracks confirmed!  Different times of day confirmed!  Massively uncomfortable twitching erection confirmed!  Here’s the first track, Island Short.

Amazing amounts of colourful hues going on in this image, too many to cope with all in one go.  Balloons to the left, colourful billboards to the right and multi-coloured flags all across the middle.

TWO TUNNEL ROUTES!  Plus a cassette over one of the tunnel entrances!  This is all too much, going to have a lie down in the dark for a while after all this.  The nurse said not to use too many exclamation marks in such a small confined space.

Tomorrow: Island Long

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The 90’s Arcade Racer Kickstarter link appears 3 times in this Update so there’s no excuse for not clicking it.  Here’s a tip, the second chance to click the link appears under the video.  This is why this website exists.  This is why every day a strict regime of eating, pooing and weeing is undertaken to make sure the whole “existing” process carries on.  For this:

Someone clever on Kickstarter who can do graphics and physics stuff with computers is making a “racing game inspired by the great arcade racers of the 90’s.”  So that means Daytona USA, SCUD Race and Virtua Racing.  IT’S HERE, CLICK HERE!  It’s currently being made for PC, MAC, Linux and maybe that OUYA Android thing if it sells.

You’d have to be mental to not fund this, or not a fan of SEGA arcade racing games from the 90’s.  Maybe the lovely people at SEGA Amusements can do some form of “shout out” for it as well?

Ooo!  Those skies look lovely and blue with a hint of dreamy, wispy white clouds.  Look at those palm trees, they look lovely too!  And that rock on the right, don’t forget about the rocks.  Even they look lovely.  Just spotted those balloons as well.  Balloons!  Lovely!

We’d start with Arcade mode and give that a good going over for a while, then get into Championship mode.  Then while we’re doing Championship we’d go back to Arcade to get better lap times.  This then means we can feed our revised knowledge of the courses back into Championship mode.

In Conclusion: CLICK HERE AND GET YOUR WALLETS OUT OR WHEREVER YOU KEEP YOUR FADED BANK CARD AND PLEDGE MONEY.

Coming Soon: An Update on funding progress.

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Forgotten WordPress admin passwords and long lost know-how on embedding Youtube videos be damned!  A DOMINIK DIAMOND GAME REVIEW VIDEO THING FROM 2012!  He’s back and looking thinner than a while ago, here’s hoping he’s not ill.

He Who Is God Amongst Men isn’t going through the motions either.  You’d know why if you’d read his autobiography, you finally “get it” after about 12 reads.  The bits about the drugs and the football team hatred are quite harrowing really.

*

It wasn’t all about GamesMaster and how everyone thought Dave “The Games Animal” Perry was a right cunt about that Mario 64 challenge :(

* video posted twice in case you missed the first instance.  Try playing both about 1 second apart, it’s quite mesmerising.

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Before we start, get the game for a tenner on Xbox 360 HERE or on the PS3 over THERE.

Like a fine red wine that’s been left to breathe to fully realise its potential, so Virtua Fighter 5 Final Showdown must be played to ABSOLUTE FUCKING DEATH before it can be reviewed properly.  Simply playing Arcade mode twice and a handful of online matches then writing “it’s Virtua Fighter as you’ve come to expect” will not be tolerated.

If you’re a respected Video Games Reviewer Person perhaps you need to get your review “out the door” quickly.  Then play it continuously for 48 hours, the world will wait for you.  Back in the old days we used to wait ages for a review.

This is a preview of a review so only 22 online ranked matches have been logged so far, which is clearly not enough.  Fuck all that though as it’s TIME TO SHOW WHOEVER THAT OPPONENT IS WHAT FOR!

Oh.

Hmmm…

….er….

The buttons weren’t configured properly, yes that’s it.  The Guard button was in the wrong place, it should have been over here rather than over there.

Coming Soon:  The Review, after having been beaten in 173 consecutive online ranked matches.

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Latest hot off the press news from SEGA’s Joypolis Centres in Japan, probably one of the Tokyo ones but don’t take our word for it.  It could be a promotional offer in ANY of the Joypolis Centres, we can’t be sure!  Offer HERE.

For those unfamiliar with “Dippin’ Dots” they are a food-based food which accompanies Video Game Arcade experiences.  They can be eaten internally.  It is not recommended that you do anything else with “Dippin’ Dots.”

Oh but it looks like one of the flavours in the promotion has already sold out.  Life is such A FUCKING CUNT at times.

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IGN say, HERE.  Amazing! Fantastic!! Incredible!!! Four more exclamation marks!!!!  We’ll soon be able to hear <RANDOMLY SELECTED SEGA MUSIC 01> remixed in the style of <RECENT POPULAR CONTEMPORARY MUSIC TYPE 01>!  It’ll be great to dance to a <RECENT POPULAR CONTEMPORARY MUSIC TYPE 02> version of <RANDOMLY SELECTED SEGA MUSIC>.

It will be, just you wait.

Coming Soon:  Every image available on the Internet and also video “stills” taken at a 1 second interval.

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A Man has left SEGA Amusements after 33 years of selfless toil.  He was there during the heady days of SEGA Arcade Dominance.  He was there during the fall from grace.  He was then there to make sure UFO Catcher machines in defunct seaside towns were refilled in a timely manner.  If ever a Man needs his life story documenting it would be this Man right here.

Full devastating and tear-inducing story HERE.

UK:RESISTANCE favourite “Wonky Faced Sonic” was there to finger his anus one last precious time before waving goodbye.  Farewell Gamini, you were a Man among Men and also weird-faced things.

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In the aftermath of the “corporate downsizing” who’d have thought SEGA would be back on top so quickly?  Not back on top in terms of game sales or even making good games but instead using Japanese Woman In Bikini Tops to sell things!  This is a promotional video for Super Monkey Ball on the PSVita, available in lovely 1080p HD HERE.

BEGIN THE SCREENSHOT MINI EXTRAVAGANZA IMMEDIATELY.

This is a “Point of View” shot, you can decide what to do from here.  First suggestion would be to knock whatever is in her hands out of the way and replace with something else.  Possibly your testicles, if you like that sort of thing.

Is that top button undone?  It’s undone, it must be undone.  It’s saying “I’m undone, come and see for yourself.”

You could be there right now, probably just kneeling down in front of her waiting for…

…her legs to open, SHE’S GOT HER FILTHY SEGA-ENDORSED LEGS WIDE OPEN!

If any Readers out there want to submit any Photoshop Efforts then this is probably a good one to start with.

There are no monkeys present, or even a banana.  The situation would probably have spiraled out of control with the introduction of either of those elements.

A belly, A SEGA-ENDORSED BELLY TO ENTHUSIASTICALLY SPUNK OVER!  Plus those shorts would feel very nice and soft, very soft indeed.

Now that’s enthusiasm you can’t fake, that’s genuine Enthusiastic SEGA Woman In A Bikini Top action.  Can spot that a mile way.

But unfortunately it all goes a bit wrong here what with this VILE DEPRAVED SEX PENETRATION POSITION.  There is simply no need for that, no need at all.

Even SEGA know that to have even a remote chance of selling 50,000 units they need to resort to mild pornography.

** AND NOW FOR THE ACTUAL VIDEO IF YOU DIDN’T CLICK THE LINK **

The screams are a bit unsettling, to be honest.

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Not exactly sure what that means but it’s probably best you follow the advice printed HERE if you downloaded the Sonic 2 HD demo and actually played it.  Hannah, better prepare yourself for some unpaid overtime tonight, we may need to man the support phones together.

Yes, yes you can order “Chinese” food if you really want to eat that greasy foreign stuff.  But it’s coming out of your April salary.

Thanks to Phorenzik from THESE MEN for the warning.

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Woke up today to find that Kaz Hirai is to cut worldwide Sony workforce by 6% because they’re not doing very well and someone lost £1.3 Billion somewhere.  There’s nothing amusing about 10,000 people losing their jobs.  Unless all those people are Kaz himself and “being made redundant” actually means having a sharp biro stabbed in each eye.

Speculation at this point but the least hit department will be the GLOBAL LIES AND MASSIVE EXAGGERATIONS DIVISION.  Only 1% of their total department headcount will be cut.  And that’ll be a lie too.

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