From across the pond far away comes news of a covert SEGA marketing campaign for Dreamcast2.  They’re so clever those marketing people at SEGA and not at all thick and stupid!  You don’t fool us, a hardware press conference is imminent plus launch line-up.

“Hello again, NUKR. I have more swirls from the States.”

“This was from a mini golf course in the New Roc City complex in New Rochelle, NY. I apologize for the picture quality, but it was one of those ‘glow-in-the-dark’ courses, and my phone has a really shitty camera.  These aren’t swirls, but I was at a go-kart track later on, and I saw a few arcade units they left nearby to distract the kids for long enough to keep them from trying to jump over the barrier. Needless to say, they were pretty worn looking.”

“This is Outrunners. The lights behind Player 2’s ‘Checkpoint’ sign have gone out. I didn’t get a chance to play it to see if the controls worked.”

“And this is Cruis’n USA. This one was kind of neat because I had never seen the deluxe version in person before.”

“Unfortunately, the screen was really messed up. It was doing that weird thing that happens when the contrast on a CRT screen is way too high, and the colours stretch across it and make it difficult to see what’s happening. I didn’t get to play this one either, but I did see a father and daughter play it later on, and it seemed to work fine for them.  Keep fighting the good fight. Cheers.

– CaptFlushing (Zachary)”

You’d take blurry pictures too if you were also masturbating.

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This forms part of the new “Anything About OutRun” series of Updates which contain new things about OutRun. Things like men building little Lego OutRun arcade machines.

Not very good is he? Probably holding the camera hampers playing ability quite a bit so we’ll let him off.

Overall a heartfelt 9/10. Waiting for the inevitable Meccano OutRun2 machine.

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The 90’s Arcade Racer Kickstarter link appears 3 times in this Update so there’s no excuse for not clicking it.  Here’s a tip, the second chance to click the link appears under the video.  This is why this website exists.  This is why every day a strict regime of eating, pooing and weeing is undertaken to make sure the whole “existing” process carries on.  For this:

Someone clever on Kickstarter who can do graphics and physics stuff with computers is making a “racing game inspired by the great arcade racers of the 90’s.”  So that means Daytona USA, SCUD Race and Virtua Racing.  IT’S HERE, CLICK HERE!  It’s currently being made for PC, MAC, Linux and maybe that OUYA Android thing if it sells.

You’d have to be mental to not fund this, or not a fan of SEGA arcade racing games from the 90’s.  Maybe the lovely people at SEGA Amusements can do some form of “shout out” for it as well?

Ooo!  Those skies look lovely and blue with a hint of dreamy, wispy white clouds.  Look at those palm trees, they look lovely too!  And that rock on the right, don’t forget about the rocks.  Even they look lovely.  Just spotted those balloons as well.  Balloons!  Lovely!

We’d start with Arcade mode and give that a good going over for a while, then get into Championship mode.  Then while we’re doing Championship we’d go back to Arcade to get better lap times.  This then means we can feed our revised knowledge of the courses back into Championship mode.

In Conclusion: CLICK HERE AND GET YOUR WALLETS OUT OR WHEREVER YOU KEEP YOUR FADED BANK CARD AND PLEDGE MONEY.

Coming Soon: An Update on funding progress.

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See, the problem is by the time you’ve logged onto the website posting software and thought of something to say, a million people have already “tweeted” the image(s) and a hilarious tagline.  The obvious joke here is about you washing your Peacock branded underpants in a SEGA washing machine.  And how they’d smell of disappointment from being washed in a SEGA washing machine.

Instead, you get a sentence here about it being a portable masturbation chamber.  You know, you “get in” via the “big hole” and masturbate.  That round hole at the bottom will be the emptying plug.

HA HA HA HA HA.

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SEGA Amusements is where the action is at, it’s these people and their associates that are literally LIVING THE DREAM*. There are 34 other image in this Facebook album, each image more depressing and less usable than the last.

There are images of them smiling with things, smiling at things, holding things, playing with things, pointing at things, looking at things, awarding people things, being awarded things, doing charity things and sitting on things.  We could go on until dinner time about all the things they’re being photographed doing.

*working in a distribution centre.

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To Battlestations!  Man The Internet and search Google Images until you find more pictures of the SEGA Ladies at the GTI Asia Show 2012, Taipei.  If you’re a Woman you can join in the search as well, can’t have enough people looking for pictures of girls in skimpy plastic SEGA outfits.

Is the “Upskirt” still fashionable?  If not then they must be brought back in some kind of retro way starting with these SEGA Amusements Booth Babes.  By retro we mean the camera placed near the floor and no less than 12 inches away from “Ground Zero” in any direction.

And the lens pointing very much in an upwards direction

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Latest hot off the press news from SEGA’s Joypolis Centres in Japan, probably one of the Tokyo ones but don’t take our word for it.  It could be a promotional offer in ANY of the Joypolis Centres, we can’t be sure!  Offer HERE.

For those unfamiliar with “Dippin’ Dots” they are a food-based food which accompanies Video Game Arcade experiences.  They can be eaten internally.  It is not recommended that you do anything else with “Dippin’ Dots.”

Oh but it looks like one of the flavours in the promotion has already sold out.  Life is such A FUCKING CUNT at times.

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Poor things eking out a living in a cruel, intolerant world.  A lonely and unloved existence surrounded by the deafening roar of an uncaring and ignorant society.  Reader Simon spotted this cowering little creature whilst off on some unspecified journey.

 “Hello Notukresistance,  I spotted this well wicked OutRun 2 arcade machine while waiting for a taxi to show up at Heathrow Airport Terminal 3.  It looked very sad and neglected.  I shooed 2 children away who were tugging at the steering wheels.”

“My girlfriend didn’t let me have a go, anyway I’m not great at racing games anyway.  I hope this helps you with your Sega fetish.  Goodbye for ever.  Simon.”

Airports are full of 2 types of people, those running away from utter misery or those returning to utter misery.  You could just live there, in the Airport.  Playing OutRun2, forever.

Extra NOTUKRESISTANCE Gold Reward Rings were available for shots of the serial number, bad luck Simon.  But thanks anyway!  You are now FRIEND.

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Is this real or a proof of concept? An “illuminated Change Header” sounds a little too drawing board to actually be real. However…

“TIME FOR CHANGE

The new CM1 Sega Change machine from STS is not only super fast at processing change but has a clean stylish design which will fit in great in any location. The Sega Change Machine is also incredible reliable with extensive testing having taken place for the last 6 months in our own operations.

  • Coins in / coins or tokens out
  • Pays out up to 3 coins per second
  • Available for 2p, 10p or Euros
  • Illuminated change header

Assembled

D330mm W460mm H1410mm
D13” W180” H56”

Shipping

Dimensions coming soon”

PLEASE LET IT BE REAL. PLEASE LET IT BE REAL. PLEASE LET IT BE REAL. It’s not real, is it? It’s another casualty from the SEGA company restructuring thing. Imagine the disappointment if you and at least 5 other humans had worked on testing this extensively for 6 months and it got cancelled. All those 11 hour days counting and re-counting pound coins lost forever.

Coming Soon: DIMENSIONS! Hopefully.

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So says the subject line of the incoming email with requested attached images.  But yes, we do want to please “sex woman” in whatever way feels comfortable and doesn’t involve too much talking or skillful physical stimulation.

“Oh hi there, Captain Whoops.  I didn’t notice me come in.  Here are the pictures of the upright Daytona USA cabinet, as promised.  Taken in Cork airport 2 weeks ago, I managed to not attract the attention of security by causing a diversionary fire in another part of the building.”

“There were actually two Daytona USA machines, the other a single player sit-down.  Unfortunately, it had no serial number and as I approached it first, I hadn’t yet summoned the courage to take a picture of it (I was literally off the plane just 4 minutes, which as you know if the most vulnerable period in any man’s life).”

“After touring the building, seeing the upright and ‘going’ for it, on my second pass there were children pretending to play the sit-down cab and I decided to abandon it in favour of not being tagged a PAEDO with a SICK interest in taking SNAPS of arcade CABS.”

“Pictures are in jpg as that is all my camera takes, meaning even ultra fine pictures are still on the ‘Shite’ scale.  That’s all there is to that.  I just pray your use of the serial number isn’t anything to do with the international white slavery/prostitution trade.  I’ve got enough on my plate at the moment.  Yours faithfully, Dick Socrates.”

Images 1 and 2 are for the SEGA Arcade Cabinet Serial Numbers wall in the office, you won’t appreciate them so you can have image 3.  That’s the image the world can have.

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