Castle of Illusion. Up there with the greats. The “clonk” of Mickey’s head on a ceiling, the edge balance animation, the innocent sway whilst waiting for your input.

BEST PUT THE CLONK IN OTHERWISE WE’RE OUT.

Coming Soon: Quick time events to dodge the chasing boulder.

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Can’t wait to review NiGHTS Into Dreams HD from XBLA!  We’ll start with the controls, it’s going to be so much fun! :)

Controls:  You can move UP.  You can move DOWN.  You can move LEFT.  You can move RIGHT.  You can move UP-RIGHT.  You can move UP-LEFT.  You can move DOWN-LEFT.  You can move DOWN-RIGHT…

This review is finished :(

1/10

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Before we start, get the game for a tenner on Xbox 360 HERE or on the PS3 over THERE.

Like a fine red wine that’s been left to breathe to fully realise its potential, so Virtua Fighter 5 Final Showdown must be played to ABSOLUTE FUCKING DEATH before it can be reviewed properly.  Simply playing Arcade mode twice and a handful of online matches then writing “it’s Virtua Fighter as you’ve come to expect” will not be tolerated.

If you’re a respected Video Games Reviewer Person perhaps you need to get your review “out the door” quickly.  Then play it continuously for 48 hours, the world will wait for you.  Back in the old days we used to wait ages for a review.

This is a preview of a review so only 22 online ranked matches have been logged so far, which is clearly not enough.  Fuck all that though as it’s TIME TO SHOW WHOEVER THAT OPPONENT IS WHAT FOR!

Oh.

Hmmm…

….er….

The buttons weren’t configured properly, yes that’s it.  The Guard button was in the wrong place, it should have been over here rather than over there.

Coming Soon:  The Review, after having been beaten in 173 consecutive online ranked matches.

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IGN say, HERE.  Amazing! Fantastic!! Incredible!!! Four more exclamation marks!!!!  We’ll soon be able to hear <RANDOMLY SELECTED SEGA MUSIC 01> remixed in the style of <RECENT POPULAR CONTEMPORARY MUSIC TYPE 01>!  It’ll be great to dance to a <RECENT POPULAR CONTEMPORARY MUSIC TYPE 02> version of <RANDOMLY SELECTED SEGA MUSIC>.

It will be, just you wait.

Coming Soon:  Every image available on the Internet and also video “stills” taken at a 1 second interval.

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In the aftermath of the “corporate downsizing” who’d have thought SEGA would be back on top so quickly?  Not back on top in terms of game sales or even making good games but instead using Japanese Woman In Bikini Tops to sell things!  This is a promotional video for Super Monkey Ball on the PSVita, available in lovely 1080p HD HERE.

BEGIN THE SCREENSHOT MINI EXTRAVAGANZA IMMEDIATELY.

This is a “Point of View” shot, you can decide what to do from here.  First suggestion would be to knock whatever is in her hands out of the way and replace with something else.  Possibly your testicles, if you like that sort of thing.

Is that top button undone?  It’s undone, it must be undone.  It’s saying “I’m undone, come and see for yourself.”

You could be there right now, probably just kneeling down in front of her waiting for…

…her legs to open, SHE’S GOT HER FILTHY SEGA-ENDORSED LEGS WIDE OPEN!

If any Readers out there want to submit any Photoshop Efforts then this is probably a good one to start with.

There are no monkeys present, or even a banana.  The situation would probably have spiraled out of control with the introduction of either of those elements.

A belly, A SEGA-ENDORSED BELLY TO ENTHUSIASTICALLY SPUNK OVER!  Plus those shorts would feel very nice and soft, very soft indeed.

Now that’s enthusiasm you can’t fake, that’s genuine Enthusiastic SEGA Woman In A Bikini Top action.  Can spot that a mile way.

But unfortunately it all goes a bit wrong here what with this VILE DEPRAVED SEX PENETRATION POSITION.  There is simply no need for that, no need at all.

Even SEGA know that to have even a remote chance of selling 50,000 units they need to resort to mild pornography.

** AND NOW FOR THE ACTUAL VIDEO IF YOU DIDN’T CLICK THE LINK **

The screams are a bit unsettling, to be honest.

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We’re not very hip but hopefully not too square, possibly something in the middle like a nice oblong.  And why are we oblong?  Because a band who makes music and possibly plays their own instruments sent in a link to their SEGA inspired music video.

“Dear Captain Whoops,  Our new music video features a 10 second homage/rip off of the flying boss ‘babyface’ from Treasure’s seminal Dynamite Headdy.  Here’s the original:

“Here’s ours (about 44 seconds in):”

“We realise that the original possesses more character and has better music, but I thought it was worth a punt, we tried anyway.  Maybe if you get a rainy day and there’s not a lot else to post. I’ve got a picture of some Sonic shoes I found in Vietnam, I’ll send that too if you put the video up, we’ll do a deal.  Thanks for your time!

James
The Waxing Captors”

NOW WHERE IS THAT SONIC SHOES FROM VIETNAM IMAGE?!  Bet you’ve got loads of Sonic shoe pictures from all over the world, snapped “on tour.”  Plus girls you’ve had full sexual penetration with too.  Or boys, it could be boys AND girls.  We’re very aware these days.

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So says the subject line of the incoming email with requested attached images.  But yes, we do want to please “sex woman” in whatever way feels comfortable and doesn’t involve too much talking or skillful physical stimulation.

“Oh hi there, Captain Whoops.  I didn’t notice me come in.  Here are the pictures of the upright Daytona USA cabinet, as promised.  Taken in Cork airport 2 weeks ago, I managed to not attract the attention of security by causing a diversionary fire in another part of the building.”

“There were actually two Daytona USA machines, the other a single player sit-down.  Unfortunately, it had no serial number and as I approached it first, I hadn’t yet summoned the courage to take a picture of it (I was literally off the plane just 4 minutes, which as you know if the most vulnerable period in any man’s life).”

“After touring the building, seeing the upright and ‘going’ for it, on my second pass there were children pretending to play the sit-down cab and I decided to abandon it in favour of not being tagged a PAEDO with a SICK interest in taking SNAPS of arcade CABS.”

“Pictures are in jpg as that is all my camera takes, meaning even ultra fine pictures are still on the ‘Shite’ scale.  That’s all there is to that.  I just pray your use of the serial number isn’t anything to do with the international white slavery/prostitution trade.  I’ve got enough on my plate at the moment.  Yours faithfully, Dick Socrates.”

Images 1 and 2 are for the SEGA Arcade Cabinet Serial Numbers wall in the office, you won’t appreciate them so you can have image 3.  That’s the image the world can have.

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Printing the text “not final quality” on screenshots seems to beg the question of will it look better?  And if so will it be by a measurable percentage?  Can we bitterly complain afterwards if it’s not quite up to scratch?  Will we still slightly miss the jump onto a stair handrail and end up hitting the side of a bus?

Something fun, something colourful, something once again from the past which will probably be better than a large percentage of newly released stuff.

The future of the entire Video Games industry rests solely on High Definition re-releases of Dreamcast games that feature Female legs.

Everybody Jump Around!  And then get the bus and/or train to where Richard Jacques lives and demand to be let in for 3 cups of tea, some biscuits and a lovely chat about where it all went wrong.

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Is the header text with all those exclamation marks enough to pass this Update off as being really excited about Sonic The Hedgehog 4: Episode 2?  Actually never say never and all that, it might be exactly the “return to form” every other SEGA news website/fansite thinks will happen each and every time a Sonic game is released.

Oh…it’s got that “into the screen” bonus stage with Tails, is it 1992 all over again?  If so then Tails has fucked up for the 9th time and made us press reset, that’s OK though as Mum is shouting up the stairs because dinner’s ready.

After dinner the washing up gets done in a mildly irritated fashion. Then it’s back upstairs for more Sonic and a hasty wank over the lingerie section of the Littlewood’s catalogue.

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A free copy on Xbox 360 with “PROMOTIONAL COPY NOT FOR RESALE” and a compliments slip with SEGA printed on it will do.  We might even play the multi-player online bit and say that’s really good as well.  Here’s some screenshots of Binary Domain that we haven’t yet had the pleasure of capturing.

It’s probably going to be very fun and exciting rescuing the President’s daughter!  Do you get to play as that robot on the right?  It’s nice and shiny and hopefully says robot-type things.  Are there guns and grenades and lasers as well?  Lasers are great!

Anyway we’ve definitely already played the game several times through to completion as the Man and also as the unlockable Female Sex Robot and it’s really, really great.  Smacking robots around the face and saying “MOTHERFUCKER! I FUCKED THIS CUNT ROBOT IN THE FACE!” a lot are the best bits.

A very sincere 8 out of 10.

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