If anyone ever wondered if a Sonic Sports Air Hockey game existed, or why we call a Man that sends in SEGA Arcade photographs “Ferry James” then reader Ferry James has answered both those questions in a single email.

“Hello again, Quite a few of your recent posts have reminded me to write in again with more, yes more, photos of SEGA arcade machines.  You reminded me in two ways.”

“1. Your mention of another reader called James.  2. Your photos from a French user, because I live in France too. Why else do you think I was going on so many ferries?”

“So please find for your pleasure 4 photos of machines found in a bowling alley in France. I hope I can still retain my ‘Ferry’ nickname? One of the photos shows a machine with the sign “EN PANNE”. To save you trying to highlight the text and then pasting it in Google Translate, this means broken down.”

“The other three photos are of an Air Hockey game. A close up of Sonic’s eyes is included as I know this is of interest to some of your readers.  Thanks,  ‘Ferry’ James.”

That’s cleared things up nicely then.

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But you can’t sum up this picture in a single word, you’ll need lots of other adjoining words to give it context.  The possibilities are limitless but they will all undoubtedly allude to some form of mental and personal breakdown.  Possibly involving a bitter divorce with protracted child custody hearings, and “Dress As A Video Game Character Day” isn’t going to help matters.

It’s as if there really is a God looking down and thought “that crap SEGA website needs a person suffering from severe mental trauma sat in a tractor thing wearing a Rat-faced Sonic costume.”  And then made it happen.  For us and for you.

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Well you and a few more  scattered about such areas as South Wales and Edmonton, North London who have a nearby shop called “Home Bargains”.  But why on earth should you be so excited and need to get out of bed before Midday?

Because of this!  A SONIC THE HEDGEHOG MONEY BANK WITH MILK CHOCOLATE COINS as stated by the packaging.  Sonic helps you plan for the bleak financial future ahead by allowing you to push your meagre unemployment benefit through the top of his head, coin by coin.  All for only £1.99, in-store presumably.

Are you one of The Lucky Ones?  Check the image above to see if you’re in a “Sonic Money Bank Catchment Area.”  Original deal HERE posted by someone from The West Midlands who likes UHT milk.

Sent in by serial Deal-Sniffer-Outer GigerPunk.

** SPECIAL EDITION MAKING-OF THIS UPDATE DOCUMENTARY **

Behind the scenes Making-Of This Update email thread between reader GigerPunk and the Update Team from NOTUKR.  See for yourself the magic and mystery involved.

GigerPunk:
Well, that’s Christmas sorted
http://www.hotukdeals.com/deals/sonic-hedgehog-ceramic-money-bank-chocolate-coins-1-99-store-home-bargains-1077000

Update Team:
That’s the Monday Update sorted then, large concentration of stores in the Midlands and the North.  Must be a joke in there somewhere.  Or rather the Update headline sorted.  Ta.

GigerPunk:
Well, I’ve got one coming to me for Christmas from the wife.  If you didn’t manage to find it, it’s a green eyed thing and he has gold (chocolate) coins, rather than rings. Mario’s bloody influence AGAIN, no doubt.

 End of Special Edition Making-Of Update, it’ll also be on the Christmas DVD.

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Who on earth is authorising all these latest marketing/community follies over at SEGA headquarters?!  First a playground for slow children to knock themselves unconscious in and now this large Sonic balloon appearing at “Thanksgiving.”  Helping Americans celebrate getting above themselves and “surviving” shouldn’t be one of Sonic’s responsibilities.

It looks very nice.  Very glossy with detailing and everything but it can’t hold a candle to the UK hot air balloon CLASSIC.  Also, who’s paying for all those people?  What internal business cost centre(s) are they being charged under?  Are they volunteers?  Is this too many questions for a Friday morning?  Probably.

At Some Point In The Future: Actual public deployment footage hopefully featuring live action scenes of a flammable nature.  And screaming, lots of screaming.

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Available operating profit burning a hole in someone’s pocket?  CHECK.  Misguided notion of ethical corporate responsibilty whilst increasing positive brand awareness?  CHECK.  Not having plastered Sonic’s face over a few “branded” services or products for at least a week?  CHECK.  3 strikes must mean it’s time for another SEGA folly!

Mr SEGA Sammy Holdings will not be very pleased once the profit margin is reduced in the next quarter due to a mass class action suit.  After all, Americans will often push their own offspring into the road for a “buck.”

SEGA should learn by now it hurts to be kind to the community, better make sure that public liability insurance is up to date and is tighter than Cream’s little anus.

There’s enormous potential in this situation to become all confusing and inappropriate.  Have YOU been touched inappropriately by Sonic The Hedgehog in the past?  You could be eligible to claim up to £50 in Little Chef vouchers if your case is successful.

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Picking up the Reader Submission Pace this week, the Pace is being seriously picked up.  The Pace has been pushed to the ground, had a sock soaked in chloroform rammed in its mouth and is currently shaking violently due to what is about to happen to it.  The Pace is, quite literally, fucked.

A Man called Will deemed it necessary to re-ignite the flames of “Sonic Filth” by emailing someone who thinks a mildly suggestive image is worthy of being posted on a hugely redundant website.

“Hi, was was browsing an ancient thread containing funny pictures, and this was one of them:  You’ve probably already seen it, but I thought you might like it even if you haven’t.”

Thanks Will, thanks a lot.  Now everyone is just going to go back to their own websites and blogs grumbling about “being able to do much better.”  Things are looking bad, very bad indeed.

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Sonic at the Tokyo Games Show with 4 Japanese girls wearing 8 socks plus a hotel room booking under the name of Mr T. Hog.  It’s like the good old days when Sonic’s star was in the ascendancy and girls where throwing themselves at him, or blushing and acting all coquettish if they were Japanese.

The one to Sonic’s immediate right is already checking to see if there’s anything peeking out of the fur.  They won’t be smiling so much later on when all their socks have been dampened by hedgehog sperm.

** SOME OTHER THINGS **

It’s back like that annoying tumour that just won’t go away!  All the rubbish that cannot possibly be made into a full daily Update is being shoe-horned into a single post.  For those who cannot be bothered to scroll down it includes: Student discount, the new/old PSP and Richard Jacques.


SEGA’S TOKYO JOYPOLIS CENTRE IF YOU COME AT 6 JUST ONE WHOPPING

Average looking undergraduate and graduate Japanese students will receive discounts for Joypolis rides and attractions HERE.  Special offer also includes “Dipping Dots Ice Cream” and some UFO Catcher tickets.  Being a Japanese student has never been so much fun!


THE OFFICIALLY LICENSED ATGAMES PSP E1000 IS AVAILABLE TO PRE-ORDER FROM PLAY.COM

It’s still an insultingly high EIGHTY NINE POUNDS.  Look at that cheap sticker bar across the bottom, that’ll curl up at the edges and be on the floor in next to no time.  Even Blaze have higher build quality and design standards.


RICHARD JACQUES APPEARS IN MI6 CONFIDENTIAL MAGAZINE

Not a real MI6 publication mind but a celebratory James Bond magazine for Men who are desperate to live another life other than the one they currently have.  “Composing Blood Stone – Richard Jacques talks one on one about creating the Bond sound” so says the official website HERE.  Forget the interview, there’s a picture of Richard pressing a button!

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He’s also giving them a smile and a little wave so they don’t feel quite so miserable after walking up in hospital with a broken pelvis.  A Man named Nathan sent in this chilling image along with some accompanying text.  The text is gratefully received on account of the head cold which is causing a serious dip in “nonsense productivity.”

“Greetings!  A little while ago I was standing outside Greggs – waiting for the wife to emerge with a loaf, not on a mission to pick up some sausage roll scoffing slapper, honest – and I happened to look across the shopping centre to spy this Ice Cream van’s rear end.”

“Suffice to say I was gob-smacked with the quality of this Sonic image, but at least he got a decent iced treat, unlike Mario and Luigi who just got an Asda Smart Price fruit lolly each!  Anyways, it’s sat on my hard drive long enough, and I figured that the readers of Not UK:R might ‘enjoy’ this image in the usual manner.  Specifically Gigerpunk.  Tootle Pip!”

** SPECIAL EDITION DIRTY SEX GAME READER SECRET **

A Man and Wife, Sebastian and Natasha*, went on a day trip to Greggs the Bakers.  They met a sausage roll scoffing slapper called Gayle* and talked about meat-based products for well over 20 minutes.  Discussing sourcing and manufacturing techniques had got the 3 avid “Meat” fans incredibly aroused, Sebastian in particular had an incredibly uncomfortable erection.  They all decided to go back to Gayle’s bedsit which was not far from this particular Greggs outlet.

After a quick supermarket detour, the happy couple spent 2 hours forcing 23 pounds of raw sausage meat into Gayle’s available orifices.  Sebastian and Natasha then had sex in both positions while Gayle struggled for breath, eventually collapsing never to wake up.

The end.

* Names have been changed to protect the identities of those involved.

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Who’s been hanging around the children’s section of Tesco again?  It seems reader GigerPunk has.  Sent in with the subject heading of “Sonic not gone into hibernation yet” despite the fact that Sonic was found dead under an old bonfire many years ago.

“Never one to stop once a joke’s well past it’s prime (BitBroken being more than testament enough to that), I spotted this Sonic merchandise in Tesco’s at the weekend.”

“They say 9-10 years on them. I’m assuming that’s 9-10 years since they might have been cool? Or at least relevant.”

The submitted comments have run out, leaving someone that really shouldn’t be left to comment on children’s clothing in charge.  Especially when that person is very sick in the head with a stinking cold.

A glimpse of a Nintendo Mario Kart DS “thing” in the first image proof it’s not just SEGA that can benefit from pallid-skinned big-eyed sweatshop children.

Although any children that may be put in charge of creating SEGA’s merchandise will be about a thousand times happier, on account of making stuff with Sonic on it.

Overall: 1/10.  It gets a whole one as the font is a throwback to early Nineties SEGA merchandise.  You know, when the font was all “cool” and “with it” to show that SEGA was “cool” and “with it.”

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There are quite a few other SEGA TGS Booth Babe images HERE but who really wants to look at anything else other than blue socks pulled tight up over the knees?  The socks, it’s all about the socks.  If there’s one thing you should be looking at it’s the socks, don’t look at anything else as it’ll be a massive waste of your precious internet time.

Shall we look at the face?  No, look at the socks.  The hands?  Nope, keep looking at the socks.  Tits?  Socks.  What about any stretched fabric over the vaginal regions?  Sorry but you really should just be looking at The Socks.

You’re not looking at The Socks hard enough, we’ve already been through this.  Thought you were a more discerning Booth Babe image browser.  It’s not all stretched tits and cellulite you know.

Not enough people are looking at her socks, that’s why she’s got a face like a smacked arse.

Here’s a SEGA Booth Information Map image to calm you down while you wipe yourself up with your left sock.  It’s like you were interacting with The Sock Girls all along and they knew it.

The Coming Days:  The “hi-res” hunt begins.

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