Maybe we’ll give Sony a go this time and buy a PlayStation 4, let bygones be bygones.  Bury the hatched and all that.  Look to the future etc.

No, sorry but we’re OUT.  Nice shoes though, brown.

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Looks like about £20-ish. They might be able to keep the cost down even further if they just stick it in a plastic bubble pack. Hopefully it’ll come with Sonic The Hedgehog and Columns built in.

It’s got a loudspeaker, that’s nice.

Coming Soon: LIES

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£250,000.  Remember when Sony gave away everyone’s PSN login details and all their credit card information for free a while ago?  And they had to shut down all their servers for, like, AGES?  Well, they finally got fined.  The book was really thrown at them, a small book, probably a child’s book about a worm having an adventure.

Quotes from news sources include:

“serious breach”

“could have been prevented”

“not having up-to-date security software”

“not good enough”

“the most serious it had ever seen”

“utter cunts”

Ridge Racer 3D on the Nintendo 3DS is better anyway, so there.

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A wonderful land full of massive, constant firmware updates.  A magical land of error codes and slow game installs.  Oh, and all the personal details hacking.  Let’s not forget about that.

A LAND OF MAKE BELIEVE WHERE THE PSVITA IS A SUCCESS AWAITS YOU HERE.

Holding the hugely successful PSP Go

John Koller: Full of word shits.

Tomorrow: Something nice.

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Or rather daylight fucking cuntery.  Honestly, it’s not the fact they’re hawking a third design but rather the price tag of around £180 to £250.  Who is it aimed at?

It’s laughing at you…”HA HA HAA HAA HA HA HA LOOK AT ALL THE SILLY CUNTS SPENDING LOADS OF MONEY ON ME!”

…can someone please explain?

Coming Soon:  A Nintendo Wii U Support Blitzkrieg! SCHNELL MEINE FUHRERPANTIES!

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A white one.  Sony haven’t released a white one of a thing in at least 2 weeks.  If it were colourful and made of see-through plastic, maybe like THIS or like THIS, then we’d be telling people the PSVita is “teh awesomely amaze.”

Not really.

Seriously, even a purple one with a funny little character in the corner would be better.  We’d be ALL OVER THAT SHIT in a second, especially if various emulators were available. And it had passed through at least 3 owners.

Sony, this will be your last dedicated Video Games handheld console, you might as well put some effort into it.

0/10

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Woke up today to find that Kaz Hirai is to cut worldwide Sony workforce by 6% because they’re not doing very well and someone lost £1.3 Billion somewhere.  There’s nothing amusing about 10,000 people losing their jobs.  Unless all those people are Kaz himself and “being made redundant” actually means having a sharp biro stabbed in each eye.

Speculation at this point but the least hit department will be the GLOBAL LIES AND MASSIVE EXAGGERATIONS DIVISION.  Only 1% of their total department headcount will be cut.  And that’ll be a lie too.

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A FEMALE EMPLOYED BY SEGA sent a lot of words about the PSVita in via email.  Text interspersed with stock photography as no images were attached.  The email sender Ryoko Demoncaller could be any of of these non-ethnically diverse Women so choose wisely if it’s your special time of the day.

“Good day sir, you don’t know me and I hope to god to keep it that way but the point of this correspondence is this.  My boyfriend brought a PSVita (yes he is still my boyfriend because I’m far too lazy to dump him, I’d only just have to get off my arse and find a new one and who can be bothered with that?).”

“So I thought as I am one of the 3 loyal readers that you have I would send you a review of the thing (and I used to be a games tester at Sega, technically I still am employed by them but they seem to have forgotten that I exist).  So here is the review.”

“The PSVita was bought with a memory card and two games, Uncharted and Shinobido.  Upon unwrapping the memory card the first thing that strikes you is how shockingly wasteful the packaging is, the card itself could easily be lost up the nose of the average Sony product user never to be seen again, yet the packaging could feasibly double up as a surf board or boogy board or what ever the hip kids do with boards.”

“The device it self is far too large for this day and age, it’s about the size of a Game Gear with a badly designed button layout, ill thought out touch pad on the back and is cursed with a terrible set of speakers that even the PSP can point and laugh at, as this is the modern age the instruction book is online, my boyfriend endured many unsuccessful attempts at downloading it, first on the Vita, then the PC, then PS3 and finally a last ditch attempt on the phone before giving up,”

“it took him some time to figure out how to sync it to his PS3 and join up the accounts but I believe he figured it out eventually, the device came with AR cards that where totally useless as you need to go online to download the program that uses them, The Vita comes as standard with no memory card, no carry case, no strap, no instruction book, all you get is the device itself and a cardboard box to spend the cold nights in after you just wasted all your hard earned cash.”

“Now to the games, the games are little memory sticks packed into a plastic case that represents a willful waste of the planets precious resources.  Shinobido is a step back in time, I almost welled up with nostalgic tears upon seeing the dodgey camera angle, clashing textures and poor collision detection in some areas, the highlight of the title was the Japanese house that from the sounds of things appeared to be populated by hundreds of invisible song birds all screeching in unison, on the plus side it has an instruction book with a good oder.”

“I moved on to Uncharted which has no instruction book and after jabbing at the screen a bit and getting flashbacks of Dragons Lair, I then moved off to get a cup of tea before finding something better to do.  All in all I’d give Sony a half arsed score of 4/10, it’s clearly an improvement in half arsedness on the PSPGo but is still the work of a man trying too hard to look like he doesn’t care.”

Picked number 3, that finger knows exactly where it’s going and what it needs to do when it gets there.

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You’d think there should be at least 30% of all new console launch day photographs dedicated to the hardware and a decent cross section of unwashed Males.  Instead it’s merely an excuse to ignore everything and build your own ever burgeoning wanking library based solely on the “Woman Who Wears A Skin Tight Blue Jumpsuit For Marketing Sony Products.”

It’s THAT Vagina again in all its mesmerising glory, begging you to squint at the screen for a few minutes to trace its outline.  It probably wants you to guess its internal dimensions and maybe also secretly wishes you’ll have a bit of a think about what it smells like.

He’ll be straight back home to write a 3,560 word review about a new console on sale that’s largely irrelevant outside of Pretend Video Games Journalists and Bloggers.  He’ll also say he didn’t waste £20 on Ridge Racer.  Or £45 on a 16GB memory card.  Or a perfectly good February evening.

FORTY FIVE FUCKING POUNDS!  Full gallery HERE.

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An image link in the comments section of Part 1 from Reader Professor Dumb now becomes an Update itself.  It’s the crotch shot of PS Vita Roadshow Wipeout Woman we’ve all been after, or rather we’ve been after.  In a decent enough 1366×2048 size but a rather disappointly average 96 dpi.

Such a strange and mysterious crotch area.  Insufficient surface creasing available to build up an accurate picture in the mind but just enough to know *it* is behind there somewhere, and *it* is probably very sweaty.

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