Who on earth is authorising all these latest marketing/community follies over at SEGA headquarters?!  First a playground for slow children to knock themselves unconscious in and now this large Sonic balloon appearing at “Thanksgiving.”  Helping Americans celebrate getting above themselves and “surviving” shouldn’t be one of Sonic’s responsibilities.

It looks very nice.  Very glossy with detailing and everything but it can’t hold a candle to the UK hot air balloon CLASSIC.  Also, who’s paying for all those people?  What internal business cost centre(s) are they being charged under?  Are they volunteers?  Is this too many questions for a Friday morning?  Probably.

At Some Point In The Future: Actual public deployment footage hopefully featuring live action scenes of a flammable nature.  And screaming, lots of screaming.

Post to Twitter

He did too and to prove it here’s a picture of the Football Man doing just that!  Although it is only his signature it does quite a lot to debunk the myth that Football Men are simpletons who spend up to 4 hours a week chasing a small ball around on the grass.

The Football Man appears to have practised on his arm first so he does lose points for not doing it “in the moment”.  At this stage it’s unknown whether there were actual sentences created with letters, and presumably words, joined up together.

Post to Twitter

Coming to a desperately barren English seaside town near you, Version 8 of SEGA’s strangely popular money-stealing UFO Catcher.  It doesn’t look as good as previous versions due mostly to a lack of unobtainable SEGA Visions.

It must be an extremely exciting release for SEGA as there are 14 exclamation marks on the official website HERE.  Can YOU save Sonic or Tails from a horrid torturous prison?  You’d probably want to rescue Sonic but leave Tails to rot in his own excrement.

It looks cheerful and that’s what matters as everyone needs a bit of cheering up at the moment.  What better way to do that than put all your meagre unemployment benefit into this rather colourful machine.

Post to Twitter

Sonic at the Tokyo Games Show with 4 Japanese girls wearing 8 socks plus a hotel room booking under the name of Mr T. Hog.  It’s like the good old days when Sonic’s star was in the ascendancy and girls where throwing themselves at him, or blushing and acting all coquettish if they were Japanese.

The one to Sonic’s immediate right is already checking to see if there’s anything peeking out of the fur.  They won’t be smiling so much later on when all their socks have been dampened by hedgehog sperm.

** SOME OTHER THINGS **

It’s back like that annoying tumour that just won’t go away!  All the rubbish that cannot possibly be made into a full daily Update is being shoe-horned into a single post.  For those who cannot be bothered to scroll down it includes: Student discount, the new/old PSP and Richard Jacques.


SEGA’S TOKYO JOYPOLIS CENTRE IF YOU COME AT 6 JUST ONE WHOPPING

Average looking undergraduate and graduate Japanese students will receive discounts for Joypolis rides and attractions HERE.  Special offer also includes “Dipping Dots Ice Cream” and some UFO Catcher tickets.  Being a Japanese student has never been so much fun!


THE OFFICIALLY LICENSED ATGAMES PSP E1000 IS AVAILABLE TO PRE-ORDER FROM PLAY.COM

It’s still an insultingly high EIGHTY NINE POUNDS.  Look at that cheap sticker bar across the bottom, that’ll curl up at the edges and be on the floor in next to no time.  Even Blaze have higher build quality and design standards.


RICHARD JACQUES APPEARS IN MI6 CONFIDENTIAL MAGAZINE

Not a real MI6 publication mind but a celebratory James Bond magazine for Men who are desperate to live another life other than the one they currently have.  “Composing Blood Stone – Richard Jacques talks one on one about creating the Bond sound” so says the official website HERE.  Forget the interview, there’s a picture of Richard pressing a button!

Post to Twitter

He’s also giving them a smile and a little wave so they don’t feel quite so miserable after walking up in hospital with a broken pelvis.  A Man named Nathan sent in this chilling image along with some accompanying text.  The text is gratefully received on account of the head cold which is causing a serious dip in “nonsense productivity.”

“Greetings!  A little while ago I was standing outside Greggs – waiting for the wife to emerge with a loaf, not on a mission to pick up some sausage roll scoffing slapper, honest – and I happened to look across the shopping centre to spy this Ice Cream van’s rear end.”

“Suffice to say I was gob-smacked with the quality of this Sonic image, but at least he got a decent iced treat, unlike Mario and Luigi who just got an Asda Smart Price fruit lolly each!  Anyways, it’s sat on my hard drive long enough, and I figured that the readers of Not UK:R might ‘enjoy’ this image in the usual manner.  Specifically Gigerpunk.  Tootle Pip!”

** SPECIAL EDITION DIRTY SEX GAME READER SECRET **

A Man and Wife, Sebastian and Natasha*, went on a day trip to Greggs the Bakers.  They met a sausage roll scoffing slapper called Gayle* and talked about meat-based products for well over 20 minutes.  Discussing sourcing and manufacturing techniques had got the 3 avid “Meat” fans incredibly aroused, Sebastian in particular had an incredibly uncomfortable erection.  They all decided to go back to Gayle’s bedsit which was not far from this particular Greggs outlet.

After a quick supermarket detour, the happy couple spent 2 hours forcing 23 pounds of raw sausage meat into Gayle’s available orifices.  Sebastian and Natasha then had sex in both positions while Gayle struggled for breath, eventually collapsing never to wake up.

The end.

* Names have been changed to protect the identities of those involved.

Post to Twitter

If squeezing onto a ferry with a load of pig ignorant English people and rude Foreigners is still classed as a holiday.  We are no longer jealous of the Man that goes on a ferry and sends in SEGA arcade photos.

This is Daddy Swirl, he’s nearly bald and looks frustrated because of the inevitable paunch he has developed.  Hobbies include hitting women, eating cholesterol and smelling of old cooking oil.

This is Mummy Swirl, looking all frumpy with huge bags under her eyes.  Mummy Swirl was once taken roughly from behind by one of Daddy Swirl’s friends in a chance encounter at a laundrette on an estate.

Here’s Daddy Swirl and Mummy Swirl together, probably having a massive row about something completely meaningless.  Everyone in the ferry restaurant can hear their badly constructed arguments punctuated with rude words but they don’t care.

Here are Daddy Swirl and Mummy Swirl’s swarm of thick bastard children, clogging up the world with their fat features and gormless expressions.  In conclusion ferries are horrid, fetid places inhabited by the world’s biggest collection of troglodytes.

Coming Soon:  Ferry Part 2 with brave Machine 148.

Post to Twitter

Probably his penis, yes…definitely his penis.  Although you would think that a The Saturdays girl would have a dog with a really big penis, one that hurts quite a bit and requires a lot of “hair maintenance” around the end.

Coming soon to Nintendogs!  Exclusive NOTUKR DLC which adds the fantastic “Pissing On The Carpet” mini-game to your list of things that need attention, come on girls and get scrubbing that big urine patch!

Additional unlockable: Rub Captain Whoops’ belly vigorously for extra bonus points.

Tomorrow: Something nice to do with SEGA.  Celebrity reader Emma Watson was today confirmed as saying “thank the cunting fuck for that.”

Post to Twitter

Contestant voting is still open HERE for Season 3 of The Tester presented by PlayStation Network.  It’s the only telly show we’ll be watching from now on and will most likely push The Lovely Tara Long Show off top spot.

Things like this sometimes makes us wish we had a goal in life other than to never run out of clean socks.

Our current favourite is Jacob, mostly due to his belief that being a games tester really is a step up into being the next Yu Suzuki.  The reality of entering and exiting the same “game door” 1,353 times from Monday to Thursday probably hasn’t sunk in yet.

Friday is “Running At The Wall” day, that’ll be Jacob’s favourite day.  At no point will there ever be a “Yu Suzuki” day.

Post to Twitter

The tone of this Update changed considerably during the “Image Rotate And Re-Sizing Party” from one of utter tedium to one of intense jealousy.  Why can’t we go on a ferry?  It looks very glamorous and exciting and has loads of SEGA Arcades.

If you hadn’t already guessed, Ferry James has been on one of his jaunts again.

“Hello, I have some more photos of SEGA arcade machines on ferries. This time it was the Caen to Portsmouth ferry (only 4.5 hours).”

“You should’ve seen my delight when I found all of these clean and shiny arcade machines together (but well spaced as the photos will show) in one brightly lit room.”

“They were all £1 or €2 for a credit. A shame because I had plenty of €s but not many £s and at that exchange rate is not very fair.”

“There was another one of those SEGA MP4 tuner things. There were some young people nearby who were looking at me strangely at this point as I had taken a profile shot and then a close up of the machine (as well as photos of all the other SEGA machines in the vicinty). After the last time I did not even attempt to defeat this adversary.”

“I did allow myself a go on the Afterburner Climax game. I told my girlfriend and she said she had “better come and watch” (probably for fear of my lack of faith). I was disappointed to learn that the seat did not move at all. I was expecting to be shuddered around like the old ones used to do. I lasted for three lives and then realised I was being watched by the same ‘youths’ so walked away to bury my head in my partner’s chest.”

“Hope these help for one of those ‘slow news’ days to quote the old UK:R.  James”.

Slow news?  A collection of exciting SEGA Arcade machines is tantamount to a FAST NEWS DAY!  This really should be on BBC News 24 instead of all that nonsense about poor people kicking slightly less poor people in the face.

Ferry James earns himself a Silver star and 60 newly launched NOTUKRESISTANCE Special Reward points.  Readers who have submitted in the past, just bring your Update receipts in and you’ll get credited with your Special Reward points.

Post to Twitter

It’s the Tara Long interview!  Stop the Internet or at least pause it for a while!  Call the Prime Minister right now and tell him the “Special” relationship between the US of A and Britain is back on.  Here’s a sneak preview of The Tara Long Interview…there’ll be talk of Sonic 2, of hair care products, Richard Jacques and of course SEGA!

Prepare to spend the next 5 – 8 minutes muttering to yourself “I could have asked better questions…” because IT’S TIME FOR THE INTERVIEW!!!

Now that you know UK-based NOTUKRESISTANCE is stalking you, does it make you feel more comfortable that there’s a massive ocean in the way?

To be perfectly honest, it does a little bit, yes.

Since you’re from Texas, does your family wear big cowboy hats and ride horses?

I know I’ve seen my dad in a cowboy hat a few times before, but I’m sure I made fun of him for it. I went to high school in a ghetto neighborhood of Fort Worth (Stop 6!) and we frequently had cops on horses patrolling the school parking lot.

Oh, and I’m not an heir to an oil baron’s fortune, either. (Sadly.)

Where do you buy your lovely cardigans from?

Half the clothes I own come from thrift stores. The rest are from Nordstrom. I kind of hate shopping, actually. Picking out what to wear for the show every day is the most nerve-wracking part of my job.

We love Sonic The Hedgehog here at NotUKR so we’re dying to know which is your favourite Sonic game? Some of our readers may also think it’s their favourite game as well so they’ll feel all special.

I was always particularly fond of Sonic 2 with the Sonic & Knuckles add-on. I’m a sucker for Knuckles, though. He’s on par with Sonic in my eyes.

What’s your favourite Take-Away food and how far is it from your offices?

I work from home, so my office is in my closet. And my favorite take-away food is a hot wing place in Austin called Pluckers, which is roughly 1,740 miles (or 2800 km) away. Thanks for reminding me, jerk :(

What are your earliest memories of the Mega Drive/Genesis?

When I was around 10 or 11, my best friend Heather and I played World of Illusion starring Mickey Mouse and Donald Duck for hours and days on end. We’d have sleepovers at my house on the weekend and do nothing but eat junk food and play it. It’s still one of my favorite co-op games. I should call her.

Do you like Altered Beast on the Mega Drive/Genesis?

Yep, one of my favorites. I quote “RISE FROM YOUR GRAVES!” out of context at least once per week and I’m finally in an industry where people don’t look at me like a fucking weirdo for doing it. I’m pretty thankful for that.

So from Maths Genius to Games Journalism…how did that happen?

I met Niero (founder of Destructoid) shortly after I moved to San Francisco. Funding for my research project had ended right around the time Destructoid began looking for a female co-host for their new video game news show. Niero thought I’d be a good fit, obviously I thought the job looked awesome, so I accepted!

Do the interchangeable male assistants that help you in the Destructoid show really need to be there?

Max is good people. We have a repartee on the show, but we’re friends in real life. By which I mean, we get drunk together occasionally.  Unless you’re referring to someone else, in which case these English-American language barriers are confusing me.

Our readers must know what brand of Shampoo and Conditioner you use to maintain your luscious hair?

I use a brand called Zotos Hairtrition. It’s pretty fantastic. Here’s a beauty tip: Products with ugly packaging are usually the best.

What’s your favourite Richard Jacques song? Ours is “Can You Feel The Sunshine” from Sonic R, it makes us happy on the inside.

“Living in the City” is pretty wonderful. I like to think it loosely parallels my life between the ages of 24 and 25, but that could just be because I live in a city now.

Since you’re “industry” do you know where Richard lives? We, err….need to send a belated Christmas card.

Just address your “card” to Europe and throw it in a mailbox. It’ll find its way to him eventually.

New or Old Sonic?

Old, duh.

If you could work for SEGA (Everybody wants to work for SEGA!) what job would you do? We’d work in the MAGIC room.

Our studio is actually less than a mile away from SEGA’s San Francisco office. The guys who run Destructoid’s Justin.tv stream are friends with some of the SEGA guys so they stop by the stream occasionally.  They’re all awesome people. That said, I’d probably work in the trampoline room. They HAVE to have one of those.

You’re really clever so could you help SEGA out a bit and help them revive their flagging spirit and fortunes? You could probably design a new “computer chip” for a new console.

As much as I love SEGA, I’d be really embarrassed for them if they ever tried to release another console. They should stick to what they’re good at – new Sonic remakes and anniversary editions of old Sonic games.

If you did help you could also choose the colour and name. What would they be?

It’d be a handheld called the ESP, with games controlled by only your ocular movements. Black with red racing stripes. I’m almost certain that’s the future of gaming.

What’s your favourite American thing ever?

Shiner beer and Blue Bell ice cream. (I’m a fatass, if it wasn’t obvious yet.)

Dinner with Adam, Axel or Blaze? Not going to include the kid as that would be wrong and the others as they’re rubbish.

Probably Blaze. I’d be interested to hear her opinion on feminist outcry against the oversexualization and objectification of underage female characters in video games. And she’d probably put out.

What adventures have you found in San Francisco so far?

Camping and hiking here are great, as is the food. I’m kind of a homebody though, so I don’t go out more than a few times a month. God, could this answer be more boring?

Have you been chased through those hilly streets in a black Dodge Charger yet?

No, but I got followed home by a drunk homeless guy one night. That’s the same, right?

Can you sum up what this Hip-Hop music is all about for us in the un-Hip-Hop UK?

UK actually has some pretty good hip-hop, from what I’ve heard. I like a lot of 90s stuff- De La Soul, A Tribe Called Quest, Gang Starr.  Atmosphere is my favorite, though. Every time I listen I hear something new, and I think that’s fantastic.

What’s the biggest lie Sony have ever told? You don’t have to answer that one Tara, we don’t want to get you in trouble!

Actually, they screwed me over on a laptop in college. Charged me an extra $100 even though I had a coupon code. I bought the laptop anyway (for $1500!) and it went on to become the worst piece of machinery I’ve ever owned. Well guess what Sony, I’m a Mac girl now. I hate what I’ve become and it’s ALL YOUR FAULT.

What’s the best Megadrive/Genesis emulator on Android?

I used to have Gensoid, but I heard Sega pulled it from the market back in May. I haven’t tried any of the others because my phone is too shitty to run any game that’s not Sudoku or Snake.


Amazing, thanks Tara Long!  Tears of utter joy are running down our cheeks right now.  Every time the World gets a bit too much they’ll always be this interview to remind us of better times, of happier times.  Plus those 3 pictures will keep us warm at night.

Overall: About 1,000,001/10

Post to Twitter