£250,000.  Remember when Sony gave away everyone’s PSN login details and all their credit card information for free a while ago?  And they had to shut down all their servers for, like, AGES?  Well, they finally got fined.  The book was really thrown at them, a small book, probably a child’s book about a worm having an adventure.

Quotes from news sources include:

“serious breach”

“could have been prevented”

“not having up-to-date security software”

“not good enough”

“the most serious it had ever seen”

“utter cunts”

Ridge Racer 3D on the Nintendo 3DS is better anyway, so there.

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Hannah, put those old plain digestives away and break open the Penguin biscuits!  Come on now, arrange them nicely on one of the good plates.  We’re celebrating a fragile armistice between Ubisoft and NOTUKR due to Rayman Origins, however once we’re bored of it we’ll go back to DEFCON 1.  After all, they’ve got a Just Dance internet telly channel which needs addressing.

Rayman Origins is wonderful and that statement is purely based on the demo, just think what’s going to happen when we get the full boxed version.  Uncomfortable erections all round!

And yes, it’s a “boxed retail” game and not a 5 quid download-only title that lasts about an hour.  It’s a platform game and although platform games have enjoyed a resurgence of late due to the various download channels available, most have all been rubbish based on poncy graphics.

These graphics on the other hand have been made by poncy French people, if you’re going to have poncy stuff then it’s best left to the French because they do it best.

The last 2 screenshots are of the side-scrolling shooting levels, they could have made the whole game from these levels alone and it would still be amazing.  Look, it’s a giant chilli sitting in a bowl!  You have to shoot the cunt in the face though so there’s still potential for The Daily Mail to get all annoyed about the portrayal of violence in video games.

It’s released this Friday so you can save up all your unemployment benefit and blow it all on one great big wonderful colourful game.  The music is barmy as well.

There’s this one bit which has some giant worm things chasing you and you have to get the swimming bit right and then some platforming stuff correct otherwise they’ll get you!

Thanks to Phorenzik over at Rose Tinted Gamers for pointing this one out as it would’ve been ignored, war has a tendency to cloud the judgement.

Tomorrow:  Something about Gamesmaster because it’s all we’ve been watching lately.

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Here’s hoping an over-worked child at the factory cocked up the mix of fire retardant chemicals and all units will be stained yellow by 2013, by which time they’ll all be irrelevant anyway and consigned to landfill sites on the outskirts of Birmingham.

“Mummy Mummy I want a white Playstation3 NOW and I want three of them, I don’t want a black one any more as it’s old and rubbish.  It’s only TWO HUNDRED AND FIFTY POUNDS you miserly old Nazi.  I’ve always despised you, now I realise why Daddy left home with the babysitter.  It’s because you’re old and saggy and everyone hates you, YOU GULLIBLE OLD CUNT.”

Here’s a picture of the White “Exclusive Edition” PlayStation3 on a White background set to JPEG quality 4%, JPEG quality 4% means we hate Them 1% more than Ubisoft.  See how it blends anonymously into the background along with its new owner.

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Unplug the AA battery charger and plug the siren back in!  The New Enemy has launched a most vicious nerve gas attack in the form of Wii Abba You Can Dance.  Hannah, Quick!  Put the Bourbons back in the biscuit tin, we’ll need those later on when the buttered rolls run out.

UBISOFT ABBA YOU CAN DANCE WII

Apparently the US Army Manual TM 3-215 estimates that a victim exposed to Abba You Can Dance will violently convulse and die within two minutes, we must retaliate!

ABBA YOU CAN DANCE WII

The JPEG quality of these images has been set to 5%.  In times of War one must effectively sabotage by proliferating low quality screenshots around Google Images.

ABBA YOU CAN DANCE WII

On the other hand dancing to Abba would give us chance to rebuild bridges with Dad’s friend “Malcolm” after the knee touching incident.  “Malcolm” loves dancing.

Achtung!

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Got criticised by Ubisoft for being unnecessarily “violent” about The Frag Dolls so let’s try and redress that as we unveil THE TWO NEW FRAG DOLLS!  The “Winners” Pixxel and Sabre wrote some stuff about what video games they like but that’s all just nonsense, we need to carry out a brief  inspection.

** PIXXEL **

Not able to check here but the Teeth must meet correctly and be in reasonable condition, the teeth serve as an accurate age indicator.  The Tail should be set well up the hind quarters and swing freely from side-to-side as well.

** SABRE **

Quarters should have plenty of width and strength and the feet must be well-formed, matching and not too small, flat or upright.  So in a proper 5 Stage PPE examination how deep does the anal inspection need to be?

Overall: 5/10

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Grab your helmets, heroin and lice powder because War has officially been declared between NOTUKR and Ubisoft/The Frag Dolls.  Hannah, quick, install a red flashing light and a siren in the office and dig a big trench in the garden too.  Then go and make everyone a nice cup of tea.

 

Any credibility this website may have built up has been dashed on the rocks because of this “context amendment“, are you happy now Ubisoft?  Happy to crush the pathetic bad humoured mentalists that seek to destroy the very things you hold dear?

Reasons to NOT like Ubisoft:

  • Call Of Juarez: The Cartel
  • Ghost Recon Online
  • Ghost Recon Future Soldier
  • Anything with Ghost Recon in the title
  • Thousands of Tom Clancy games
  • The Far Cry series
  • The entire Driver series (apart from the first Reflections one)
  • Just Dance 1
  • Just Dance 2
  • Just Dance 3
  • All those CSI games
  • All those Imagine…games like Imagine Fashion Party
  • All those language training things, THEY’RE NOT EVEN BLOODY GAMES!
  • They used that StarForce copy protection stuff that screwed up PCs.
  • In the face of negative reviews they then refused to provide games for review

Reasons to like Ubisoft:

  • Child Of Eden

The ratio of about a million bad to one good is clearly not good enough and Ubisoft is officially declared “Not Something You Should Like”.  Ubisoft published Child Of Eden but that’s like saying the Nazis made the trains run on time, and Ubisoft definitely didn’t try hard enough to promote it either so there’s another reason War is declared.

Reasons to NOT like The Frag Dolls:

  • They’re an entirely fabricated “Girl Gamer Clan”
  • They have silly names
  • The reason they exist is to promote Ubisoft and NOT “Girl Gaming”
  • They’re an entirely fabricated “Girl Gamer Clan”
  • They have a video of a cadette shooting hand guns and semi-automatic rifles which is abhorrent because we’re English and don’t like that sort of thing
  • They like an enormous amount of FPS’s which KILLED any creativity in the Video Games industry
  • They’re an entirely fabricated “Girl Gamer Clan”
  • They’re a cynical marketing tool
Reasons to like The Frag Dolls:
  • They’re polite in their correspondence (which is a big like in this day and age)
To not like the Frag Dolls is inviting attack from those that do, but considering those that do are mostly retarded male sex-starved American FPS Hardcore clan people it doesn’t really matter.
Next Week: Probably something nice about OutRun 2 to calm everyone down

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