We have no idea what game this actually is because it doesn’t appear to include a boost button or drift control.  However, kudos to you SEGA Japan\SEGA Subsidiary for not buckling under overwhelming pressure to cover up the legs of lovely girls.

There’s even a website HERE which appears to be dedicated to “Kingdom Conquest Girls.”  Look, one of them is holding her hand up to her face in that giggly way middle-aged men like.  One of them is even allowed to talk into the microphone.

“Now drink up please, the van is waiting outside.”

Post to Twitter

Not sure what all the fuss is about with this supposed sexism in Video Games. Look at this woman here, she has a successful career showing her various body parts for money AND she also presented at The Golden Joystick Awards 2012.

Bet her current favourite game is that import copy of Max Anarchy she spent £80 on from Play-Asia.  Bet she tweets loads about playing as Sasha and how to unlock Zero, hope so as it could be very handy for rubbish players.

Tomorrow:  How the “Industry” really isn’t all about rampant hypocrisy.  And something about NiGHTS Into Dreams HD.

Post to Twitter

So there’s a new Tomb Raider game coming out at some point and apparently it’s all “gritty” whatever that means.  What is certain though is we can’t very well have any of those old leathery hags that used to play Lara Croft hanging around.  This calls for fresh meat.

Tomb Raider wasn’t about you PROTECTING Lara, it was about you wanting to PENETRATE Lara, maybe the occasional fantasy about her saying no, then you trying it on and her saying no again but then you doing it anyway.  Then she cries but thanks you in a quiet voice.

Then you start crying and saying you’re sorry, it all got out of hand far too quickly.  All you really wanted to do was sit down and have a nice game of Tomb Raider on the Saturn and some biscuits.

This is Camilla Luddington, the new Lara croft.  Very much would, will have to start collating any high resolution images from the internet because she deserves so much more than 3 small JPGs.


Post to Twitter

They’re very good at it, better than the British in so many ways.  But the question is what are the Japanese queuing for today?  Many choices and old favourites present themselves, like maybe a new console.

Or perhaps one of those “J-RPG” things where you run around and engage in very one-sided and repetitive conversation.

Oh, it’s “Pretend Schoolgirl Cleavage.”  So very glad things haven’t moved on very much since around 1995, there’s an order to the world and it shouldn’t change too much.


Post to Twitter

To Battlestations!  Man The Internet and search Google Images until you find more pictures of the SEGA Ladies at the GTI Asia Show 2012, Taipei.  If you’re a Woman you can join in the search as well, can’t have enough people looking for pictures of girls in skimpy plastic SEGA outfits.

Is the “Upskirt” still fashionable?  If not then they must be brought back in some kind of retro way starting with these SEGA Amusements Booth Babes.  By retro we mean the camera placed near the floor and no less than 12 inches away from “Ground Zero” in any direction.

And the lens pointing very much in an upwards direction

Post to Twitter

In the aftermath of the “corporate downsizing” who’d have thought SEGA would be back on top so quickly?  Not back on top in terms of game sales or even making good games but instead using Japanese Woman In Bikini Tops to sell things!  This is a promotional video for Super Monkey Ball on the PSVita, available in lovely 1080p HD HERE.


This is a “Point of View” shot, you can decide what to do from here.  First suggestion would be to knock whatever is in her hands out of the way and replace with something else.  Possibly your testicles, if you like that sort of thing.

Is that top button undone?  It’s undone, it must be undone.  It’s saying “I’m undone, come and see for yourself.”

You could be there right now, probably just kneeling down in front of her waiting for…


If any Readers out there want to submit any Photoshop Efforts then this is probably a good one to start with.

There are no monkeys present, or even a banana.  The situation would probably have spiraled out of control with the introduction of either of those elements.

A belly, A SEGA-ENDORSED BELLY TO ENTHUSIASTICALLY SPUNK OVER!  Plus those shorts would feel very nice and soft, very soft indeed.

Now that’s enthusiasm you can’t fake, that’s genuine Enthusiastic SEGA Woman In A Bikini Top action.  Can spot that a mile way.

But unfortunately it all goes a bit wrong here what with this VILE DEPRAVED SEX PENETRATION POSITION.  There is simply no need for that, no need at all.

Even SEGA know that to have even a remote chance of selling 50,000 units they need to resort to mild pornography.


The screams are a bit unsettling, to be honest.

Post to Twitter

You’d think there should be at least 30% of all new console launch day photographs dedicated to the hardware and a decent cross section of unwashed Males.  Instead it’s merely an excuse to ignore everything and build your own ever burgeoning wanking library based solely on the “Woman Who Wears A Skin Tight Blue Jumpsuit For Marketing Sony Products.”

It’s THAT Vagina again in all its mesmerising glory, begging you to squint at the screen for a few minutes to trace its outline.  It probably wants you to guess its internal dimensions and maybe also secretly wishes you’ll have a bit of a think about what it smells like.

He’ll be straight back home to write a 3,560 word review about a new console on sale that’s largely irrelevant outside of Pretend Video Games Journalists and Bloggers.  He’ll also say he didn’t waste £20 on Ridge Racer.  Or £45 on a 16GB memory card.  Or a perfectly good February evening.


Post to Twitter

An image link in the comments section of Part 1 from Reader Professor Dumb now becomes an Update itself.  It’s the crotch shot of PS Vita Roadshow Wipeout Woman we’ve all been after, or rather we’ve been after.  In a decent enough 1366×2048 size but a rather disappointly average 96 dpi.

Such a strange and mysterious crotch area.  Insufficient surface creasing available to build up an accurate picture in the mind but just enough to know *it* is behind there somewhere, and *it* is probably very sweaty.

Post to Twitter

There’s a Sony PS Vita Roadshow going on at the moment in Glasgow, Manchester, London and Birmingham.  Go along if you want, we’re not stopping you.  Go along and let a large electronics manufacturing corporation tell you what’s “cool.”  There’s probably a DJ Mixer there as well playing all of your favourite arpeggiated monophonic synthesized sounds at a range of 120 to 130 beats per minute.

But let’s all ignore the DJ Mixer.  Not because they’re all personality vacuums but because of Wipeout Blue Jumpsuit Woman!  Sony rolling back the years, who said making Woman embarrass themselves at Video Game events was consigned to a brief period between 1992 and 1996?  Not Sony, or us either!

Extremely disappointed there are no photographs of the crotch area, a jumpsuit like that is crying out to have its crotch area photographed at a variety of distances.  View the full horrifying set HERE.

Post to Twitter

So say some ratings people HERE.  But which portions of their buttocks?  The dull bits around the outside near the hip or the much more terrifying dank area where said buttocks meet the legs?  It’s important to clarify, various rape fantasies depend on details and not just vague comments.

Once being able to manipulate a free-roaming camera in replay mode becomes a chore then we’ll give it all up.  Even if Japanese Men Programmers still maintain a healthy obsession with developing breast augmentation features for female characters.

There’s no irony here either, which is probably the problem.

Post to Twitter